Peut-ĂȘtre nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-ĂȘtre c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

The Owner's Bio

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Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

December 24, 2012

Contemplation part I: Unity in Diversity

I spent several days thinking about the true meaning of living in diversity. Coming from a country with more than 300 different tribes and five big religions, to tolerate others are something that is supposed to be there to begin with, to ensure that everything runs smoothly and no one is considered being bullied by others. Ideally.

But no. I still see many aggression done by majority towards the minority for a simple reasons like "because my religion says so", or "because you are different." It is sad, but it's true. Everywhere we see people being hurt just because they have different opinion or point of view. Bigger communities destroy lesser groups because they are weak and violates the vision of the bigger communities. And sadly, these issues got even bigger and bigger each day. Ironic, since we have this beautiful motto, Unity in Diversity.

Before we start, let us talk about myself first. I used to be a part of the bigger communities, silently cursing and pitying those who don't share my point of view. We still live together, but every time I see those people who didn't share the same belief, I felt disgusted. I didn't know from where I got this mindset before. All of these keep rolling on until I start to question myself: Is it the right thing to do? They are people, like me. They have their own way, they have their own point of view. They have their own understanding. And they are not me. They don't share the same vision with me, either in religion, sexual preferences, politics.. So why must I hate them?

In my search for the truth, I decided to abandon my community, aiming to find the most neutral stand. I revert myself into the most basic form; the blank state. In this blank state, there is no specific god. There is no skin color. There is no sex preference. Only a "blank" body with brain to think and observe. And through this "blank state" I might have seen things a bit clearer. I see that people mostly tolerate people in the way that they put a big bold border between them and the others who don't share their vision. Between these border we shall smile, we shall greet, we shall be friends. But if I see even one finger slipped into the holes of the fences, then I shall cut it. I see that some people also feel uncomfortable seeing something that is not "meant" to be like that, at least from their point of view. Hence, naturally they will try to fix it to make it look good.

But I still can not find the ultimate answer for my question of Why people can't coexist? Why there are many violence acts in the name of religion, race, and sexual preferences?

Today I tried to initiate a discussion with someone who is from my previous community. We talk a lot about how Moslem should not give regards for Christmas. In the end, I was a bit upset because I thought the reason was a bit.. pathetic, due to the fact that I see Christmas as an event, not a religious celebration. But then I realized that it was how the person see the celebration of Christmas: as a religious celebration, not as a merely cultural, therefore it was clearly forbidden for them to even send regards for it. We were different, and I tried to make my point of view acceptable. I just turn myself into an idiot who is as pathetic as those people who force others to believe what they believe.

I feel.. Bad. *sigh*.

I should say, I haven't finished in thinking of a way to make people accept each other without hurting each other. However, at least I find something very important from our discussion. As I paraphrase it with my shallow mind, Everyone who does not share the same ideal belief, religion, sex preferences, or even skin color, should not put others' that is different from him/her lower and try to eliminate and convert them into what he/she sees as the ideal.
I still have long way to go.

December 14, 2012

An Afternoon Melancholy

The more I get to know you, the more difficult it is going to be to let you go. Maybe that's why for every aeroplane I see crossing through the sky above me, I feel scared and sad. And strangely, happy.

I learnt many things, especially those about things I thought I knew. In the end I'm still a learner, observing, learning, collecting knowledge, and later drawing conclusion from it. Although the future seems to scare me, again I always try to calm myself, saying that everything will be okay. I have to keep reminding myself that I am both in charge and not in charge of my future. My destiny is written by me, but it is merely a proposal the Universe must approve.

as the afternoon clouds starts to gather around my empty realm of memories, I smiled and try to let it go again. It's funny, however, since it was never this difficult to let go of something. Maybe I begin to let myself attached too long. Or maybe, I'm just learning like the rest of the world.

Ah well. One thing for sure: I will never lose hope. I will find you. And I promise the happiest of the happiest for you.

December 09, 2012

I have changed. A bit.

"You've changed," said my friend.

"What do you mean?"

"You no longer show some enthusiast when people flirt on you like you used to do. You didn't respond it like the way you used to do."

For a moment, there was only silence. I tried so hard not to say anything painful.

"I have changed."

"What do you mean?"

"I no longer find those youth ways of approach interesting. Cute nicknames, giggles, overly-attached relationship style, inappropriate I-miss-you text in a middle of the night, sulking over unnecessary things.. It's just not appealing to me anymore. I find the waiting game where one of us should text first in the name of dignity very mentally exhausting and time consuming. I don't see the act of indirect approach, like saying that you are no longer has meaning to me or that you are not in my league just to lure my sympathy as necessary. I see no purpose in attention-seeking behavior that is displayed simply because I am not interested any longer."


"Have you thought about marriage lately?"

"Huh? What do you mean? You're not thinking of getting married are you?"

"No, but I'm thinking of ending this purposeless connection. If I am to connect with anyone romantically, at least there will be a plan to bring our link to something more serious. I'm tired."

My friend didn't reply anything for awhile.

"I never thought of that actually," my friend replied.

"Maybe I am not suppose to think that far," I mumbled. "Maybe.. I should act like other 24 year old young man should do; drink beer, flirt and make out, or do some sex with some randoms."

"You have changed."

"I know. So I hope you understand."

"So.. What do you want then?"

"II want to be left alone, please."

"Ow. Alright. Sorry then. Maybe I should leave."

"I am the one who should say sorry. Hope you can find those who can fulfill your needs."

Then all was silent. Another heart got rejected.

Not because I look down upon them. Not because I couldn't move on from you. It's just that.. I'm not interested.

Ah well. Maybe I am just being insensitive.

December 08, 2012

Being True To Myself

as I approached the end of my journey, many things slowly clouded my mind and blinded me. I have been blindly looking for a chance to stay abroad, or even to move to other places. I searched and searched like there was no tomorrow, and finally narrowed my choices onto three other countries other than Australia. I was happy to find those options, then I tried to examine each of them. One of the choices quickly met its end when I didn't fulfill some of the requirements. The other two... Ah, very tempting, very.. reachable.

Then I tried and tried and tried to collect all of the things I need to achieve my dreams there, but it made me feel tired and exhausted. I felt like I'm chasing something I didn't even know why. I kept making excuses and reasoning to make my steps sound logical and had a purpose, when I then realized that I have been lying to myself all this time.

"When will you stop running away? Why do you run? Do you remember Bima? When he managed to find the true meaning of 'Unity with The Creator of All' through his inner self, Dewa Ruci, he refused to leave But he must. He has other things he must deal with. His journey, his learning, they are not finished yet." -Anton-

My heart slowly spoke the dark truth: I am scared. I am afraid of going back. Life has been so comfortable and beautiful here that I refused to accept the fact that it will end. Thus, I tried to find a way, any way, just to be able to repeat and re-live the chance again. I was scared of being trapped again. I was afraid of the life that I used to have. I was scared of losing what I earned into meaningless things. I didn't want to end up like those before me; they stop and stay as if they never actually went away.

I am also tired of living in lies. I want to find a place where I can call it home. A place where I can rest all of my worries, being true to myself, settling down, and.. I want to meet you. Even if we are apart and we no longer emotionally connected, a part of me still wishfully thinking that we can work it out somehow.

"I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!!! Please.. let me stay... Please let me stay. I don't know how or why, but please..".

But I must. This isn't about being trapped or letting yourself live in lies. This is about another journey that will take at least another one year of my life. I don't want to do it blindly. Not because I want to run away, or because I'm chasing you who has peacefully left the story of us.

This is about me. This is about my future. I have been lying to myself and almost put everything in a painful end. If I want to go somewhere again, then it is because I need to learn more, not because I refuse to stay and face the reality. My chance to live the dream is almost over, and I should accept and gallantly march back with smile. And if another chance come, then it is because I am allowed to learn more.

"You are a strong man. Your eyes are both innocent and mature, your words are both cute and deep. You managed to write your own destiny so far, breaking up the boundaries that your family, your country, and even yourself has set in front of you. You have lived and done the impossible. It should be easy to re-live the chance. But remember, writing destiny is not an easy job since it is not erasable. If you scribble your destiny, then it will stay there. You are more mature then I was when I was in your age, and I believe you will write the most beautiful prose mankind had ever written as your destiny. You just need to know what to write." - Andrew-

That late afternoon, those words awaken my inner thoughts. I felt so light. So easy. So.. Enlightened. Yes, I am sorry for lying to myself. And thank you, for being true to myself.

"Yes, I'll cross my fingers, my arms, and my legs for your journey! You can do it brother!" - Anti-

I smiled. And two options that I have has narrowed into one. The toughest one, however, because you will be there, and I suppose I have to suck it up with it. This is the ultimate test I must accomplished. To step forward to the next part, one should have the power to give his power and surrender.

I hope I am ready.

*thank you to those wonderful people that wakes me up of my own shadow*


Before this post I posted an announcement that said that I will not update anything on the blog except the auto update due to some issues. Thinking that I might need some times to deal with it, I decided to do it. But in the end it took me less than a week to deal with everything, so I guess I will be posting again. So, those who likes to read my stories, I'm back!

December 02, 2012

My Favorite Quotes

Spongebob: "What if I break your trust someday?" Patrick: "Trusting you is my decision, proving me wrong is your choice." - Spongebob Squarepants, Viacom, ????

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." -Semisonic, Closing Time, 1998.

"Nothing last forever. So live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid drama, take chances, and never regret, because at some point, everything you had done was exactly what you had wanted.." - A Friend, 2013.

"Apa jadinya dunia kalau mereka tahu tentang kita?" (What would the world be if they know about us?) - Ren Tobing, Cinta Terlarang, OST. Arisan!, 2003.

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." - Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi, ???, ???

"Stress, including the mental stress of uncertainty, is an ingredient in attachment or love and that perhaps even manifestations of hatred (its polar opposite) somehow enhance love." - Guy Murchie, Seven Mysteries of Life, 1999 (?).

"The right to use my friend as a weapon, that is the sinful crown I shall adorn." - Guilty Crown, Production I.G., 2011.

"You're like a dog chasing a car. You'll never catch it and you just wouldn't know what to do with it if you did." - Snow Patrol personnel, Gary Lightbody's father, commenting on his infatuation for a girl.

"Listen, suffering is a fact of life. Either you learn how to deal with that or you go under. You can stay in your own little dream world, but you can't keep hurting other people!" - Heather Mason, Silent Hill 3, Konami, 2003.

"Chi trova un amico, trova un tesoro." (One who finds a friend, finds a treasure) - Italian Proverb.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." - Paul Varjak, Breakfast At Tiffany's, Paramount Pictures, 1961.

"Just because some cute girl likes the same bizzaro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate, Tom." -Rachel, 500 days of Summer, Fox searchlight pictures, 2009.-

"I love you" is never a question; it's a statement. And a statement never needs an answer. -Wicaksono, 2013-

"We're not friends. We're not enemies. We're just strangers with some memories." -Dinda Putra Ramadhan, 2012-

"Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit.." (There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain..) -Cicero, De finibus bonorum et malorum, a treatise on the theory of ethics, 45 BC-

"Sed fugit interea fugit irreparabile tempus, singula dum capti circumvectamur amore." (But meanwhile it flees: time flees irretrievably, while we wander around, prisoners of our love of detail.) -Virgil, Georgics, ????-

"Respice post te! Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori!" (Look behind you! Remember that you are but a man! Remember that you'll die!) -Tertullian, Apologeticus, ????-

"It's funny how people avoid getting hurt by hurting someone else instead." -Wicaksono, 2012-

"Bahagia itu bukan tergantung pada tempat, tapi pada kondisi. Dan kondisi itu tergantung pada cara pandangmu. Jadi ga ada alasan kamu untuk lebih bahagia di sini dan lebih menderita di sana." (Happiness is not about the place, but the situation. And the situation is there from the way you perceive it. So there is no reason to feel "happier here and worse there"). -Wicaksono, 2012-

"Kadang setelah kita menghabiskan satu periode bersama dia untuk membencinya, kita akan menghabiskan sisa hidup kita untuk merindukannya." (Sometimes we spend a period to hate him, and the rest of our life to miss him). -Wicaksono, 2012-

"Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?" -Ernest Gaines, ????-

"Setiap orang pasti memiliki bagian yang bikin dia ga percaya diri. Makanya, orang yang punya self-confidence itu harganya mahal." (Everyone has a part that makes him/her feel inconfidence. Therefore, people with self-confidence worths more) - Pipit Indrawati, 2012.

"Human is all about Pride and Ambition. with Pride we achieve our Ambition. With Ambition we gain our Pride. and to stand in the middle of both, is what we called PERFECTION." -Wicaksono, 2011-

"Hati itu tidak sekuat Mimpi, jadi jangan digantung terlalu tinggi." (Heart is not strong like Dream, so it's best to leave it hung not too high). - Wicaksono, 2011-

"Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand." -Wicaksono, 2011-

"LIVING is about filling the gap between LIFE and DEATH with something good and meaningful. and I don't think I need to elaborate what's GOOD and MEANINGFUL here. Use your common sense." - Wicaksono, 2011

"Sampai kapan kau terus bertahan, Sampai kapan kau tetap tenggelam, Sampai kapan kau mesti terlepas..? Buka mata, dan hatimu, relakan semua." - Padi, Semua Tak Sama, 2001-

"Karena kamu adalah mahakarya terbesar bagi hidupmu." (Because you are the masterpiece in your life) - Jeremy, 2011

"Fisik bukan jaminan, yg penting hati, pola fikir, dan cara kita berinteraksi dengan sekeliling: Saat smua itu berkolaborasi dengan baik, maka tanpa harus ganteng pun, banyak org senang deket dengan kita." (physical appearance does not guarantee anything. It is your heart, your mindset, and how you interact with your surrounding that matter. When all of those are synchronized in harmony, wverybody will love you without even have to be a good-looking man.) - Arif Budiyanto, 2011

"You know what they say: once you killed a cow you gotta make a burger." - Lady Gaga, Telephone, 2010

"Hidup itu sebenarnya simpel. Kalo iya lakukan, kalo ga jangan lakukan. Manusia aja yang bikin ribet hidup mereka sendiri." (Life is simple. If you like it, say Yes. If you don't, say no. Mankind makes their life complicated.) - Wicaksono, 2010

"Demi masa, Sesungguhnya manusia kerugian, Melainkan mereka yang beriman dan beramal sholeh." (In the name of Time, mankind is surely at lost.. Except those who believe and do good deeds) - raw translation from Surah Al-Ashr (1-3).

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." - Mark Twain

"Reality is harsh, is it not?" - Ultimecia, Dissidia Final Fantasy, SquareEnix, 2008-2009

"Right and wrong are not what separate us and our enemies. It's our different standpoints, our perspectives that separate us. Both sides blame one another. There's no good or bad side. Just two sides holding different views." - Squall, Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft, 1998-1999

"Love is something that returns." - Cha Song Joo, Stairways to Heaven, SBS, 2003-2004

"Win, no matter what, don't sympathize with your enemy, because you're paying the same price as them!" - Jun Ushiro's Father, Bokurano, Mohiro Itoh-GONZO animation, 2007

"What's right... What you should choose to do in life... The answers to those things lie within you." - Sayoko Uehara, Persona 4, ATLUS, 2008-2009

"You don't have to save the world to find the meaning in life, sometimes all you need is something simple, like someone to take care of." - Aigis, Persona 3 FES, ATLUS, 2007-2008

"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday." - some random fortune cookies

November 25, 2012

This Is My Story

This is my story.

Even if you weren't there anymore. Even if in the end I will be alone. Even if I have lost everything..

I don't care. If that is what it is, then so be it.

I have been alone for awhile, and though you gave me a new hope of my aimless life, in the end it was me who has to move on for me.

I am scared though. I am so scared. But I have nothing left to lose. Nothing.

This is my story. It will end when I end it. It will be a happy one when I want it to be one. And it will keep going with or without you in it.

This is my story. It'll be a good one.

November 22, 2012

Garage Sale Story: There She Goes Again

It was a very hot Spring. And after six months, I met another mortal Angel with my own eyes.

A tall girl with dark brow hair, perfect skin, and beautiful dress stood with her angelic smile in my front door today.

I was standing there, speechless, as she smiled and said, "Oh sorry I was late. I was trapped in traffic and I thought your house was 112!"

With grace she took out her wallet and paid me the amount of money for the item I sell. "You'll enjoy Europe. It's beautiful!"

I smiled. "Thank you."

"So here is your money, and I promise I will keep her save for you. You can now study in peace there!"

I smiled again. Beautiful, and has sense of humour.

She then took the item in excitement. I took her to the front door and as she walked away, I said "Thank you! Enjoy the item!"

She smiled. "Yay! I'm excited! Good luck!" I can tell fom her excited brown eyes. Ah, those eyes...

Then she left with her silver convertible.

As I put the money into my pocket, I wondered a bit. What will she do with a Final Fantasy luminous sign? Is she a gamer? Or is she buying it for her borther? Or her boyfriend? Wait. She has a boyfriend? But then it's obvious. A girl with such beauty like her must not allowed to be single and rudely keep rejecting men. She must have someone special for her.

Then I stared at my reflection. I felt so ugly. I wish I washed my face and changed my clothes. Or maybe I was supposed to have a haircut today.

But then I decided to put that feeling aside. Even if something special might happen, I won't be here for her forever. A quick crush that ends very quick, I should say.

Then I texted her. "Hi! Thank you again for buying the item! Have a safe trip!"

I threw my cellphone on my bed, and then I laid myself down. I could still feel her scent that slowly faded by the heat.

It was a very hot Spring. And after six months, I met another mortal Angel with my own eyes.

(this is the item she bought from my garage sale today)

November 17, 2012

I'm Going To Miss You

Friday, November 16, 2012

Today I decided to walk around the city after gym after a long while not visiting the crowds. It wasa bright Friday and as I stepped out of the train station I saw millions of Christmas decorations hanging round the city beautifully. It was pretty strange for me to see Christmas trees and lamps in scorching heat of Summer, since I never actually celebrate Christmas and Christmas is always involve cold and snow in my imagination. Nevertheless, the decorations added-up some nice colors to the grey-blueish hue of the city.

I walked through small alleyways, finding myself some beautiful places I've never thought would exist. I really enjoyed the little adventure I had alone, all by myself. As I observed around each small alleyways and neighborhood, a strange feeling slowly seeped in. Each step I took grew lighter, each breath I had grew heavier. Each person walked pass me made my heart beat a little bit faster and harder. Every scene I saw with my own eyes grew a bit of attachments in my heart. I'm going to leave soon, and I'm not sure when I can come back. My adventure will not stop here, but a part of my heart will always stay.

I stopped and stared to the empty blue sky in the middle of the city, among thousands of other people walking around.

"I am going to miss this city. Every smile and anger, every celebration and problem, every face and idea. I have grown so much with these experiences. I've learnt so much and still learning even more. I'm going to miss every inch of the feeling, the emotion, the sadness, the worry, the dreams that are fulfilled, and new dreams that soon will follow, the love that is unrequited, the loneliness, the togetherness. I'm going to miss the warmth and coldness of the city, the friendliness and the stoic personalities, the playfullness and the seriousness. Thank you for letting me have a little taste that changed me, A little bite that will change me forever."

As the train took me away from the city, I still could see the skyline from my window. I smiled.

I'm going to miss you, Perth.


November 09, 2012

Pesawat Kertas

Andai kalimatku bisa kutorehkan diatas kertas,
kemudian kulipat hati-hati sampai jadi pesawat kertas,
lalu kuterbangkan ke angkasa bebas,
dan akhirnya mendarat di tanganmu,
di hatimu.

Jika kalimatku berhembus bagaikan nafas,
Mungkin ini waktu yang pas,
Untuk mengungkap harap tak berbalas,
Harapku tentang kamu,
Rasaku tentang kamu.

Andai kalimatku yang kutulis di kertas,
Kemudian kulipat hati-hati sampai jadi pesawat kertas,
lalu kuterbangkan ke angkasa bebas,
Sudah sampai ke hatimu,
Sudikah kau jawab dengan hatimu?

Sebelum pesawatku pergi meninggalkanmu.

November 03, 2012

Being Single and Keep Happy

Again, I received another wedding invitation from my friend. It was pretty strange, when you sat down on the chair against the window that display the whole life you have now, while reading through numerous wedding invitations. It seems like time just went pass you and left you there by yourself.

People always craved for "that plus one." You know, a figure that just fit into your cute little space that you always have in your heart, waiting for it to be completed. Yet, you wait and wait and wait, or hunt and hunt and hunt, then you find a particular puzzle piece, you try to stick it to the gap, and instead of fitting perfectly there, it leaves marks! And thus, the beginning of trauma and awareness begin. We then cruelly accused every pieces we find will leave marks and scratches, then disrespectfully treat them when we found something that might be a sign of flaw (little do you forget, you are also a puzzle pieces for others, and you might cause more scratches than those that happen to you).

But then sometimes, when we are so so desperate, scratches and wounds sometimes don't matter anymore, especially when you feel like the empty part of your heart starts giving pain. Yes, pain in mental and spiritual, and in some extend, sexual. Or... when people around you start to get annoyed because you still walking around with incomplete pieces of heart.

But why? Why people think completing the empty part of your heart will be the sign of the end of your endless misery of partner-hunting? Why people think that it is the only cure for the pain of loneliness that is caused from (again) that empty part of your heart, screaming desperately to be filled with the correct piece, or any piece that looks cute, hot, or rich?

One thing you have to remember: You are complete already. Never think that happiness come from someone else. Happiness comes within, from your heart. Yes, from that incomplete pieces of heart that you and people around you keep telling to complete it. You are complete already. Happiness don't come from dating someone. Happiness comes wherever and whenever you feel like enjoying it. And when dating series of people worn you up already, then you are not happy. If you are not happy, then why keep doing it?

Yes, it sounds very cliche, but so does looking for the perfect fit for your incomplete-but-actually-complete heart.

Point number two: Do Something Else. Disney princesses look beautiful while waiting for their Princes because they don't recognize the concept of wrinkles for main characters. The owner of Playboy literary sits there and has intercourse with any girls he wants because he has the money. You? Unless you are a cartoon characters that can't get old or you have so much money that girls just don't care if you are ugly and boring, it won't work on you. Do something! Find yourself something that occupies your time for craving for love! Do something cool! Go to the gym! Do sports! Take dancing lesson! Watch music concert! Make yourself valuable, then you won't be single for long. But! Do not ever do those things because of the wish that someday, somehow, you will be lucky to find the plus one lying around at the gym area or waiting beautifully outside your dancing studio. Because when you find out that they are not there, you will slowly losing interest towards fun things you do, then you will eventually stop doing it (which is bad), then you'll get lots and lots of time to crave for love again (which is even worse).

Just don't do something because you wish someone will eventually got attracted because of it. Do it because YOU LOVE IT.

Then after you feel happy about yourself, and you have lots of different things you do, sometimes you might slowly fall apart again. It can't be helped, it's just too non-mainstream to be single, and apparently everyone hates hipsters.

HOWEVER, never ever forget to See The Good Side of Being Single. Yes, that is the third point. You should notice the bold pattern by now. What's so good about being single? Well, A LOT. Imagine yourself free, you can aim the stars, study or travel as far as you go, learn new things, meet new people, learn new languages, hook up with people with different languages, fascinates yourself on how big and wonderful the world is outside your tiny little soap opera of tragedy corner, and eventually you will enjoy yourself. There are a lot of things you can achieve when you are single. There are more opportunities. More freedom. More happiness. Why stopping yourself with an unsure commitment, wishing that this particular person is your key to happiness, when you can step out and look and even taste the happiness yourself?

Seriously people, though the answer may varies, but I believe there are things you enjoy better when you are single. Admit it! And amplify it.

Then there you are. By stop seeing yourself as an incomplete and dull puzzle, doing something way much better than just pathetically crying for your not-so-pathetic love life (which you, pathetically, dramatize it), and stop seeing that being single is all about negative and instead embracing the positive side of it, you will surely be happy.

So, your choice. Wanna be happy? Then be happy!

*One more thing: In the most desperate situation, Never Ever Accept and Compromise Anything. People rarely change after in relationship, and I believe you'd rather have someone who is at the same wavelength than trying so hard to readjust it.

October 27, 2012


I was sitting by the window of this moving train when I saw something slowly moving across the aqua sky. It's an aeroplane. At first I was amazed. But as it slowly moved halfway through the skyline, something strucked my mind.

Everytime I see an aeroplane passing over me, my heart ache a little bit. It reminds me that I will soon go back, ending the dream that I am currently living in. It also reminds me that there are things I just couldn't control no matter how. And somehow, I wish for it to happen.

Yes, I believe man are in charge of their own life. Universe flows in a certain pattern, but gives us endless opportunities and possibilities to deviate and flow in our own way. But in the end it returns to us, man, to determine our own future, and whether we are strong enough to bend the current into our own will. However, sometimes people's will and hope aren't strong enough to bend the current. Some hopes are merely empty ambitions, others are just plain form of refusal towards reality. Or maybe.. People are just too weak to fight the current.

Maybe I AM too weak to fight the current, so I decided to give up and follow the stream. The stream is the safest way to follow. No gambling, no fear.. Everything has been set up. But then why was I scared? I was suppose to feel happy, but why..?

Today, I saw another plane crossing by the blue sky over me right after I stepped out of the underground station. The cloudless sky that I saw seems to bring out endless possibilities, yet that plane decided to go straight to its direction, seemingly knew where it had to go, flying fearlessly.

I wish..

I wish I was as strong as that Aeroplane.

October 23, 2012


Jika hati dibungkam logika,
Masihkah bisa cinta kau rasa?
Terkecap dalam indra,
Larut dalam manis kata?

Ataukah hanya jadi persamaan,
Jadinya hitung-hitungan,
Akhirnya kebingungan..
Tanpa nikmat yang sama?

Jika hati dibungkam logika,
Masih adakah rindu di jiwa?
Kangen yang membabi buta,
Diiring hujan menari gila?

Ataukah cuma jadi diam-diaman,
Akhirnya sama-sama menderita?

Jika hati dibungkam logika,
Mungkinkah aku lebih bahagia?

Atau jangan-jangan,
Ini cuma pelarian belaka?


"Ah! Gak usah banyak tanya!" kata logika.
Akhirnya aku dibungkam juga.

October 14, 2012


"I am scared..".


The sky looked so blue today. Clouds decorated the light blue sea of air with their smoky look. It was clean. It was bright. It was beautiful.

It was empty.

I sat alone, in the corner of the bus, staring blankly at the sky that slowly turned grey. Or gray. Huh, it's funny how spelling can puzzle you these days. Whatever it was, the sky was getting darker and darker. No one but me and the driver was in the bus.  As the first drop or water pouring to the glass-window, my heart trembled.

"I am scared..".


I sat at the couch of gym's waiting room, waiting for the rain to stop. People walking by, passing by with their drink bottles, their muscles, their sweat. People walking by, and I sat there still, staring at the greyish sky. Slowly, the grey sky crept into the waiting room, engulfing everything in smoky-grey color, leaving me alone, sitting on the couch. Alone in the endless grey shades.

"I am scared..".


I stood in the middle of the crowd in the city in front of the station entrance. People walked by, chatted, talked, ran, growled, yelled, swore.. I looked up to the sky. The grey color greeted me coldly. I then looked down, seeing the wet pavement below my sneakers. It was cold. It was.. bitter. But it was addicting.

"I-I am..".


I let my feet be caressed by greyish wave while my eyes wandered around aimlessly. The sea.. The place that always seemed to call me, looked very calm and peaceful.  But at the same time, it looked very troubled, very cold. I stood up from the grey sand and started walking closer to the water. As the freezing sensation touched just above my calf, I stopped.

"I am.. I am scared."

"I always said that I am okay. I have been trying so hard to be strong. I cast away the old and whining me, trying to be more mature, to be what a man is suppose to be. I have been trying to be more realistic and sarcastic. I let go of emotional attachments that will cloud my judgment, trying to remove any unnecessary bond that will result in pain... I am stronger now. But why am I still scared?"

I could not help it. A grey tear ran through my cheek. I could not help it. My knees suddenly grew weak. I fell and scarily tremble.

"I have fought this far.. For everyone. But no one is here to share the smile.. No one..".

As my voice slowly drowned in tears and sadness, I grasped the sand under me so tight that it hurt so bad.

"I am scared. Somebody.. Please.. Help..".

As everything slowly dissolved into shades of grey.. I could hear a warm voice.. A very warm and nostalgic voice.

"You'll be alright. You're not alone, dear...".


I woke up from my nap, all in sweat. I looked at the window. It was blue, with smoky clouds decorating it. For awhile, I felt a bit happy, but then as I looked through my room, I sighed and whispered..

"But.. I am still alone."

October 13, 2012


Just today one of my senior was wishing to get married soon. He was around his late 20s, a crucial time for Indonesian people to rethink about their life purpose and start settling down. I was laughing at him and teasing him. But once I retreated into my sanctuary of thoughts, my own cubicle of random thinking, I began to feel the same way as he did. I am 24.

As the thoughts grew bigger and bigger and bigger like a huge tree from my small cubicle of thoughts, sunlight penetrated among the leaves, creating translucent green sparkle that dazzled my thoughts away. I thought about how it would be beautiful to get married. No more running away, no more tiring adventures with love, no more break ups and insecurities. No more lying to myself. I just wished that I could skip the process of fishing and just luckily met my big white whale and stop sailing.

But then in the hallucinated green lights, A warm and calming arms touched my back. It's Ashley. That grey-winged androgynous snapped me out of reality.

"Don't get tired. Keep looking. Keep trying. Or you can always stop. It was you who keep fishing in the storm. You CAN always stop and wait till you are very sure about it, which is something you do now."

"But.. What if I missed the whale? What if when I sail there, I will only find tunas and.. stuff?"

"Are you allergic to tuna?"

"No, I'm not."

"Then enjoy the tuna, my dear. You can always NOT eat the tuna. Your choice, and seems like you are bound to taste whatever fish you caught."


"You don't have to. You can always set them back free," said him while holding my arm. We then floated and flew slowly, passing the branches of the big green tree. And in one of the big branches, we sat. Faraway, we could see the top of the tree, blinded by the sunlight.

It was shady and cool, my kind of weather. He smiled at me and looked at me deeply.

"You see, you do realize that getting married will only halt your way to your final purpose, don't you?"

"What is my final purpose?" I asked. He laughed so loud hearing my answer.

"Oh my Goodness I can't believe I am destined to guard an abstract person like you...", he then touched my back warmly, then his other arms raised up, pointing to the far top of the tree, passing the green leaves, to the very top of the tree, illuminated by the sunlight.

"That, my dear, is your final purpose. The branch we are sitting is your current situation. You are getting strong, like the branch. However!" He then walked, tip-toeing to the trunk of the tree. He then lean on the trunk, looking at me, then tilt his head up.

"Look up there!" I looked up. There are more branches covering above my head. "That... Is my other dreams I will have to fulfill..".

He smiled. "That is correct! Still long way to go, dear. Long way to go."

"But.. It's MY dreams, not the Universe. What if it against the Universe and in the end there will be no branches left?"

"You think too much," he said while smiling. "Nothing is impossible, dear..".

Ashley flew back to me, hugged my back gently, and whispered, "So don't give up..".


I opened my eyes and looked at the time. It's 9.30.

I should go to the gym soon.

September 26, 2012

Kepada Sang Hati

"Hai kamu, Sang Hati. Tempat dimana air mata bermuara,
Tidakkah kau letih mengejar dongeng masa kecilmu?
Tidakkah kau capek mendamba dia yang sepadan untukmu?"

"Hai kamu, Sang Hati. Tempat dimanacinta bermula,
Bisakah sedikit sajalah santai, dirimu?
Bisakah sejenak menikmati yang sudah ada untukmu,
Dan berhenti mencari?"

"Hai kamu, Sang Hati. Tempat dimana bimbang bersemi,
Mampukah kau taklukkan rasa takutmu?
Mampukah beri kesempatan dia untukmu?"

"Hai kamu, Sang Hati. Tempat dimana sendiri menari,
Apakah kau bahagia berduet dengan sendiri?
Apakah kau tak ingin ada hati lain di sisi,
Atau kau akan terus menanti?"

"Hai kamu, Sang Hati. Tempat dimana angan bermimpi,
Akankah kau terus memilih sendiri?
Akankah kau terus lari?"

"Hai kamu, Sang Hati. Tempat dimana harapan telah mati.
Bolehkah dia masuk ke situ dan mengisi,
Bolehkah luka-lukamu dia yang obati?
Biar kamu tidak sakit lagi?"

"Hai kamu, Sang Hati!"
"Sudikah kau beri jawaban atas tanda tanya tanda tanyaku?"

Sang Hati diam saja.
Lama-lama aku kesal juga.
Akhirnya kembali kupakai logika.

September 22, 2012


My life had been very much interesting after we broke up two years ago. The tides of sadness, anger, and faith brought me into where I am now. I used to think that I would not survive without you, but here I am, breathing, and slowly achieving my old and dusty dreams.

You thought me how to truly love, you made me learn how to appreciate sacrifices, you put me to study deeper about giving and receiving. I might be your very naughty student, but I learnt lots of things when I was with you. The things that is very useful now.

And now, as you slowly withdrawn permanently from my life, and as I walk further away in different direction as well, I suddenly miss you.

Those memories, they replayed like old slides being projected to the dusty wall. Every frame has deep meaning, deep memory. And I know, I might still unable to let us go, or it might just be another rainy spring blue syndrome. But all I know is, there is no one ever in my life who could give and give and give and just ask to be loved in return like you did.

You never demanded much, you only gave and showered me with love and affection. You never actually got upset, you just smiled, cuddled, and even asked for forgiveness even if I was the one who made mistakes. Maybe that was what made you different from the others before and after you.

I didn't mean anything when I decided to write this. I just thought I need to write something about you after so very long.

Thank you. For teaching me the whole things. Thank you. For supporting me over and over. Thank you. For being a meaningful part in my life.

Have a safe trip with your life, as I promise I will to mine. :)

September 04, 2012

Autistic Lovers

Dan kini pelan-pelan terjawab segala rasa,
Pada detik dimana kita berdua telah paham adanya..

Apakah jika kita akhirnya bersatu, kau akan selalu membelaiku?
Membiarkan tanganmu kugandeng sampai gurat gurat umur menghias parasmu dan aku?
Atau kita akan menua dengan aku disini, mengamati kau dan duniamu?

Jika kuminta kau untuk membetulkan dasiku,
Lalu menyiapkan sarapanku saat aku telat bangun kerja di suatu pagi,
Akankah kau diam disitu dengan duniamu?

Awan kelabu membawa hawa dingin menusuk tulang lemahku.
Apakah memang cinta kita sehangat itu, mengenyahkan beku dingin daging dan sukmaku?
Sudikah kiranya kau bawa aku ke situ?

Aku hanya mampu berdiri menatap senja yang tenggelam,
melihat sekelilingku yang mulai suram,
Aku dingin. Dan kau asyik dengan duniamu.

Aku akan selalu jatuh cinta padamu.
Tapi mungkinkah di duniamu ada aku?
Atau tak ada cukup ruang lagi di duniamu?

Dan kini pelan-pelan terjawab segala rasa,
Saat duniaku pun pelan-pelan membuaiku pergi.

August 05, 2012

I love you, but..

Yes, I love you. I do.
But each day you don't seem to love me too.
Yes, I miss you. I always do.
But each time you don't look like you miss me too.

Is it too difficult to show me the feelings?
Or you are just too busy with your little world of happiness,
Leaving me and my soul deeply freezing,
Blindly chasing you in bitterness.

I ain't a hunter, I should tell you.
Because I never see you as a prey I stab my sword into.
I'm just a foolish lover, I should remind you.
A lover that needs to know that he is being loved too.

Quitters, that's the words for me you keep telling.
"You easily give up, you haven't proven me enough", and it's just endless.
You see, how can I move on with the chasing,
If you over me nothing but doubtfulness?

Yes, I love you. I do.
But you never appreciate everything I did for you.
Yes, I miss you. I always do.
But I'm too tired to chase you like I used to do.

August 04, 2012

24 more weeks

It's been 27 weeks since I first stepped my feet of this new land. Time had gone very quickly. 24 more weeks to go, and I have to soar again.

I remembered those days before I left in my uncertainty. Started everything from scratches, threw away all of things that bound and burdened my steps. Moving along bare, physically and emotionally. I felt so much intriguing, to leave everything behind for a new experience. But it was not a regrettable decision.

I learnt the new wilderness of the land. I learnt a new kind of pain, and a new kind happiness. I learnt the beauty of those blue eyes, and the pain of losing them. I learnt that there is always something new to learn, and that there is always something old to remember.

In this land, I discovered new things, and I also lost others. I discovered new abilities that slumbers within. I discovered beautiful hearts and souls that warm my journey. I discovered a lot more reasons to live.

However, as my wings of adventure rested and I began to be bound again by this land, soon it felt very much difficult to depart again. The wings had been very weak of an overtime rest, the soul had been very frail of the land's joy and happiness.

But I have to go. I have to soar again.

I found it painful to leave, but I have to. I found it scary to depart, but I have to. My heart was trembling of the risk, afraid of the worst, but my journey could not stop here. My journey must continue. And someday, if my wings could ever take me back to this land, then I might stay.

I had given up hope to stay, but not because I didn't believe in you. It's because I knew, I just knew that it wasn't meant to be a long rest. It was just a temporary one.

I am now 24, and in 24 more weeks these wings will be awaken from their sleep, spreading wide and proud. And it will take me somewhere only the clouds know.

And maybe, just maybe, it will take me closer to you.

July 24, 2012

Happy 24!

Another year passed. This year, it's somewhat better. Some of my dreams are fulfilled already, and many more dreams will follow. However, there is only one dream I haven't managed to reach.

I want to find my soul mate, my life partner, and romantically-emotionally settling down. I'm too tired of wandering around, wondering around. I want to find someone whom I can share my life, my thoughts, my hugs, my tears, my weaknesses, my powers.
Someone who can be my friend, my lover, my advisor, my partner. Someone who will kiss me good morning, someone whom I will kiss after I go back from work. Someone that will complain about how I am getting fat, losing my muscles and six packs, but still hug and kiss me afterwards.
Someone that I will spend time looking at before I go to bed. Someone that I will hug from behind at the kitchen, while I'm helping in preparing dishes.
Someone who is not demanding, but supporting and reminding. Someone who understand, and whom I can understand. 
I wish.. I wish I could find that someone in this very long and tiring roller coaster of life. I wish I could find you.

I wish it could happen.

July 18, 2012


Kamu cute lho, aku suka badan kamu, senyum kamu, kulit kamu. Kamu ganteng, sayang..

Kata-kata itu terngiang terus di kepalaku siang itu. Aku duduk menanti bus yang belum datang. Entah kenapa wajah dan kata-katamu berputar berulang-ulang di kepala.

Saya? Cute? Cute darimana?

Saya dibesarkan untuk mengidentifikasi diri saya dengan satu kata sifat: Jelek. Besar dalam keluarga campuran di lingkungan kampung pecinan kaya di kota kecil membuat saya tidak percaya diri dengan warna kulit saya yang coklat, apalagi mengingat Ibu saya berperawakan chinese, lengkap dengan mata sipit dan kulit putihnya. Semakin dewasa saya semakin menyadari kalau pria berkulit coklat itu tidak semenarik koko-koko (sebutan untuk pemuda chinese), mas-mas arab, atau indo-indo (sebutan untuk pemuda campuran kaukasia-indonesia) yang jumlahnya seakan meningkat di kota kecil kami.

Tubuh saya pendek. Waktu SMP cuma sampai 160 cm, SMA 165, sekarang terjebak di 169,7 cm, yang biasa saya bulatkan jadi 170. Biar tidak malu. Berdiri disamping teman-teman yang tinggi menjulang dan gagah membuat hati saya semakin kecut, semakin sakit. Seleksi pasukan pengibar bendera tidak masuk. Mau ikut Akademi Polisi juga tidak sampai. Saya merasa dunia bukan tempat untuk orang-orang pendek dan jelek.

Saya dulu juga bukan anak "baik-baik". Waktu SD saya bandel, suka mukul anak orang, bikin rusuh, sangat vandal, dan brutal. Semua orang tidak suka saya. Mereka bilang saya tidak bermasa depan. Katanya saya nakal. Katanya saya aneh. Tidak ada yang berteman dengan saya. Yang laki-laki menertawakan kebodohan saya karena tidak bisa main sepak bola, atau kecengengan saya yang suka menangis kalau dipukul. Yang perempuan bilang saya najis, karena mereka jijik melihat saya. Entah kenapa, mungkin saya kotor di mata mereka. Mungkin saya kaya tai.

Saya juga bodoh waktu SD. Kelas satu nilai saya tidak ada yang bagus. Untung saya masih bisa naik kelas sampai lulus kelas enam. Lengkaplah sudah. Bodoh-jelek-nakal. Kombinasi yang cukup untuk membuat orang-orang tidak menyukai saya.

Sejak SMP saya mulai belajar kalau diam itu emas. Saya tidak lagi membangkang atau melawan. Saya ikuti arusnya, saya lihat dan saya amati. Sekejap posisi saya mulai merangkak naik, ditambah otak saya yang akhirnya mulai bekerja juga setelah dua tahun pertama di SD mogok. Meski demikian, saya masih sulit mencari teman. Klasifikasi "gaul" semakin kuat saat SMP. Yang tidak bisa basket, yang tidak suka bola, yang tidak suka nongkrong, mereka bukan orang asik. Dan kebetulan saya tidak punya itu semua. Teman-teman mulai bikin geng, yang laki-laki dan perempuan. Di kelas isinya membicarakan orang lain, kalau ada tugas kelompok semuanya bergerombol dengan geng mereka. Yang apes ya orang kaya saya, tidak punya geng. Terpaksa ikut dan mengiyakan kalau bergabung dengan yang lain. Yang penting saya selamat, itu saja pikiran saya.

Waktu SMA akhirnya semua lumayan reda, meski persaingan tetap sengit. Kini yang tidak punya motor, yang tidak suka bola, mereka berdiri di luar lingkaran. Yang cantik-cantik ngegeng sama yang cantik-cantik. Penggila It ngegeng sama penggila IT. Anak militer ngegeng dengan anak militer. Saya? Anak ras campur cuma bisa duduk diam waktu istirahat. Untungnya waktu SMA saya aktif di ekskul dan OSIS, jadi saya tidak begitu ditendang keluar dari lingkaran sosial di sekolah. Namu kadang saya bertanya-tanya tentang nasib mereka yang tidak ikut ekstrakulikuler sama sekali, yang tidak ikut OSIS, yang hanya datang sekolah, belajar, ujian, dan pulang. Entah kenapa saya melihat mereka sebagai makhluk yang lebih bahagia dari saya.

Selama SMP dan SMA saya sejenak bisa melupakan kelemahan fisik saya karena saya sudah cukup disayangi karena otak saya. Untuk sejenak, saya merasa bahagia. Bahagia karena ternyata ada yang bisa melihat jauh dibalik bungkusan saya yang kata mereka jelek.

Akhirnya saat kuliah saya bebas jadi diri sendiri. Saya eksplorasi semua celah yang belum bisa saya masuki waktu saya sekolah. Saya jelajahi semua kemungkinan yang ada. Saya jadi diri sendiri. Namun dunia tetaplah keras. Berkali-kali saya dihina karena fisik saya, berkali-kali saya dicemooh karena saya tidak tinggi, tidak ganteng. Dunia masih sama ternyata, cuma letaknya sekarang berbeda. Dan setelah lelah melawan, saya akhirnya mengikuti arusnya. Saya terjebak dalam kepanikan untuk menjadi ganteng sesuai dengan idealnya orang-orang sekitar saya. Kulit coklat itu haram untuk saya, jadi saya pakai berbagai obat agar putih. Jerawat itu jelek, jadi saya mati-matian membersihkan jerawat. Badan kurus itu ga asik, jadi saya ngegym sambil makan banyak.

Akhirnya semua membuahkan hasil. Banyak yang bilang saya tampan waktu itu, muka saya putih, badan saya bagus. Saya sempat memacari banyak orang. Begitu mudahnya saya mencaripasangan waktu itu. Semua yang belum pernah saya rasakan waktu sekolah segera saya habiskan waktu kuliah.

Tapi ahkhirnya saya malah tidak bahagia. Akhirnya saya malah terjebak dalam bungkusan saya sendiri. Dulu saya bisa jadi diri sendiri namun dibenci, kini banyak yang suka, tapi saya tidak bahagia. Saya bingung, saya terjebak, dan pusing juga karena semua yang lakukan untuk memperbaiki penampilan saya harganya mahal. Saya takut, jika saya berhenti, saya akan sendiri lagi. Namun jika saya teruskan, saya akan kehilangan diri saya sendiri.

Dan akhirnya, setelah begitu letih menjadi orang lain, tepat disaat salah satu mantan saya meminta putus, tepat disaat saya mulai kerja, saya memutuskan meninggalkan semua itu. Biarlah mereka mencintai saya apa adanya, atau membenci saya apa adanya. Saya berhenti mewarnai rambut, dan secara berkala potong gundul. Saya masih fitnes, tapi semata-mata untuk memperbaiki postur bungkuk saya. Saya tak lagi panik jika mentari menyinari kulit. Biarlah dia coklat, biarlah. Biarlah jika ada orang yang tidak mau berkencan dengan saya karena saya tidak se oriental Ibu saya, atau tak terlihat indo. Biarlah. Biarlah mereka pergi. Saya lelah mengikuti permintaan pelanggan. Biarlah.

Ketika saya berada di negara asing untuk pertama kalinya, rasa takut itu kembali mncul. Saya berada di tengah orang-orang yang menjadi patokan tubuh, wajah, kulit, mata, dan semuanya yang ideal. Saya merasa begitu kecil, begitu lemah.. Begitu takutnya saya, sampai akhirnya saya putuskan untuk membiarkan saja diri saya apa adanya. Meski mata saya tidak berwarna warni, meski rambut saya cuma ada hitam dan uban, meski kulit saya tidak putih dan mulus, meski badan saya pendek, saya sudah tidak peduli. Yang penting saya hidup. Yang penting saya bekerja.

Dan disinilah saya, duduk di pemberhentian bus di tengah Perth, Australia Barat, mengingat-ingat perkataanmu dulu, waktu kta masih saling sayang. Katamu saya lucu. Katamu saya seksi. Sebelum itu, memang ada banyak lagi orang-orang yang bilang saya ganteng, atau tampan, atau kiyut, atau unyu, atau apalah. Tapi kebanyakan saya acuhkan, karena saya belajar kalau seseorang memujimu, bisa jadi karena dia ada perlu. Karena saya tidak percaya itu tulus.

Namun pujian dari kamu.. Beda. Pujian kamu membantu saya lebih mencintai diri saya. Pujian kamu, entah kenapa, mengawali pujian-pujian lain dari orang-orang lain setelah kamu. Dan tiap pujian itu membuat saya semakin mencintai diri saya, tanpa rasa takut.

Saya tersenyum, lalu melihat tubuh saya di pantulan kaca pemberhentian bus. Pemuda 23 tahun, tingginya sedang, beratnya sedang, wajahnya sedang. Semuanya, entah kenapa, terajut begitu manis didepan saya.

Dan hari itu saya merasa lebih percaya diri dari biasanya.

Terima kasih, kamu yang di Jerman.

The Illusion of Lost and Have

The word "own" or "have/has" can come as a verb, a set of words that is used to indicate something the subject do, like I have a book, she has the ticket, or I own this property. All indicate that the subject has possession towards the object, a sense that the objects are in their hands, in their control, even in some level it can be used to tell that the objects are inseparable from them.

However, do we actually have or own something? Do those things, those objects we have earned will be ours forever? Money we earned eventually will be used, food we get will eventually be eaten and gone, even cells in our body die every minutes and get replaced by new ones, everyday. So what's the point of telling people those things are mine! if we only have a momentary control of it? And why we, knowing that we only have a momentary control of it, can feel a tremendous lost and grief when it's gone?

The feeling of losing something comes as a result of the feeling of having something. When you see ashes on the floor, you must think that something was burnt before. The feeling of losing, like ashes you see on the floor, comes from the burning fire of having, the sense that we will immortally bound by the objects, while in the reality, nothing is immortal. Your money, your body, tour car, your clothes, everything will eventually destroyed by time. And nothing will left. So why the feeling of losing something can cloud our mind, when we realize that in the end everything will be gone?

The feeling of losing exists because of the illusion of having. But then you must realize that nothing is actually yours in the beginning, that you could only have a momentary control towards it before it's gone.

So when you know that you never actually and eternally have her in the beginning, then why crying when she's gone?

picture taken from:

July 13, 2012

A Lil Fun Before It Begins Again: Adventuring the Jungle of Concretes

It was freezing when I woke up this morning. Even my cellphone was very cold. I checked the time. 6 am.. I was shivering when I turned on the phone again after some times and checked the temperature. 2 degrees. 2 DEGREES CELCIUS. "My, no wonder it's cold here."

I walked slowly and sat in front of my laptop and turned it on. Today I planned to move my membership of my gym to the branch near here, buy extension cable, some tissues, and groceries. I was so busy browsing through the map for bus route when I realized my breath was foggy. It felt strange. I smiled.

My adventure started. With only guts and GPS in phone I went around the place, trying to draw virtual map in my mind so that by the time of my work I won't get lost or mistook the bus. After finishing my membership transfer, my friend called. We decided to hang out in the city for afternoon. We met in the town, had lunch, did stupid things like smacking each other with plush toys, laughed at it, and decided to went back afterwards.

I sat in the corner of the train, exchanging a look with a stranger in front of me. And a smile after. The train stopped. I moved to the bus that went straight back to my place. It was 3 already.

It was funny, because I never actually felt this alone. When I was in the town, the loneliness went very well with the circumstances. It was a quiet, laid back type of town. No horns, no traffic, much wind breeze, and somehow you could always hear or feel the ocean around you. Time flies slowly in the town. Two hours can be like forever. But in the middle of this jungle of cements and bricks, time flashes very fast. It was 9 when I walked out the room, and it's already 3 when I was on my back. In this jungle, I suddenly became the observer. I saw people with their own businesses, with their own conversations, with their own problems. In the middle of this jungle of bricks people lived in their own world. Time strangely flowed slowly for me still, while people around me seemingly lived in their own fast-forwarded time. In my eyes, their life became like a slide show, very quick that you couldn't enjoy any of them, but very fascinating with their glittery and glimpsing lights.

This whole day there were so so so many people I'd met, and every single one of them put an invisible curtain that gave them their own spaces.

The house was very much quiet when I got back. No one's home, I assumed. I walked back into my room, put everything, changed clothes, and sat silently, sipping my green tea I got from lunch leftover while staring at the cloudless sky above. A crow flew and perched itself in front of my window, it's eyes staring deeply to me, or maybe to my green tea (I believe it was the second one).

I smiled. "Welcome to the jungle."

July 08, 2012

Pembukaan Undang-Undang Dasar Negara Republik Indonesia Tahun 1945

TAHUN 1945

Bahwa sesungguhnya Kemerdekaan itu ialah hak segala bangsa dan oleh sebab itu, maka penjajahan di atas dunia harus dihapuskan, karena tidak sesuai dengan peri-kemanusiaan dan peri-keadilan.

Dan perjuangan pergerakan kemerdekaan Indonesia telah sampailah kepada saat yang berbahagia dengan selamat sentausa mengantarkan rakyat Indonesia ke depan pintu gerbang kemerdekaan Negara Indonesia, yang merdeka, bersatu, berdaulat, adil dan makmur.

Atas berkat rakhmat Allah Yang Maha Kuasa dan dengan didorongkan oleh keinginan luhur, supaya berkehidupan kebangsaan yang bebas, maka rakyat Indonesia menyatakan dengan ini kemerdekaannya.

Kemudian daripada itu untuk membentuk suatu Pemerintah Negara Indonesia yang melindungi segenap bangsa Indonesia dan seluruh tumpah darah Indonesia dan untuk memajukan kesejahteraan umum, mencerdaskan kehidupan bangsa, dan ikut melaksanakan ketertiban dunia yang berdasarkan kemerdekaan, perdamaian abadi dan keadilan sosial, maka disusunlah Kemerdekaan Kebangsaan Indonesia itu dalam suatu Undang Undang Dasar Negara Indonesia, yang terbentuk dalam suatu susunan Negara Republik Indonesia yang berkedaulatan rakyat dengan berdasarkan kepada Ketuhanan Yang Maha Esa, Kemanusiaan yang adil dan beradab, Persatuan Indonesia dan Kerakyatan yang dipimpin oleh hikmat kebijaksanaan dalam Permusyawatan/Perwakilan, serta dengan mewujudkan suatu Keadilan Sosial bagi seluruh rakyat Indonesia.

Just Something That Crossed My Mind When I Wake Up Today

I hope I did it right, I never study Theology before. :| 

For me, religion is a concept to help us to find the TRUTH.

Before we became what we are now, our ancestor might be wandering around the earth, building settlements, continuing life, all monotonous. However, as a creature with critical thinking, we come to question things around us, about who we are, why we are here, what is our purpose. From those questions and our basic logic, we knew that there is something that starts everything. In the process to find THAT something, we come to believe, based on our ideal image of ourselves or through stories that came from the person who had personally spoke to the Thing (as most religion had said), the Thing has an intelligence and power far beyond us (who wants to be rule by lame worm that can die with one smack?).

Then we started to give the Thing a personality. Some aspects that makes it easier to help us identify. In the process of somehow making the Deity happy, and not upset and then wipe us out from the land, it is necessary to change people's way of life into following what is ideal and "pleasing" for the Deity. Since people ideally will obey something stronger than they are, so some people established, coming originally from the Deity itself or might be fabricated, set of commands called RULES. Rules can be spoken with words, spread through teachings and seminars, written in tablets, compiled into books, given to people so that everybody in that particular society would knew the RULES. People can not go against, question, or even think about bending a bit of the rules, because doubting the rules means violating the absolute power of the Deity. These rules were first set to preserve Humanity, Equality and Security in that enclosed society. It is easier to maintain many people into one single way by telling them that the mightiest ruler of the Universe tells you not to do this and must do that. And from that, a RELIGION was born.

With deities to worship and rules to be followed, religions grew and differed like animals would evolved, readjusting to the geographical areas and form. From worshiping phenomenon like eclipses, thunder, nature, big trees, or worshiping ancestors that passed away, spiritual guides, then worshiping different deities with different purposes, different gods with different area of cover, and finally worshiping one deity with multiple purposes as we all have now. Some religions are very "savage", sacrificing animals or human, while others are very "civilized", building beautiful shrines and temples. All to please the Deity they are worshiping. Religions become very strong through hundreds of years, and in many places it so inseparable that it becomes the foundation of the life in the different societies.

However, as society grew bigger with more and more complex problems that is too flexible to be handled by strict and old-fashioned rules, and even mixing with other societies with different "rules", eventually these rules become too great that it surpassed the importance of Humanity, Equality, and Security. Rules, no matter how outdated or hilarious it might sound, could not be flexible, because flexibility means un-strong. And rules that are not strong will not be obeyed by people.

So there you are. We have people killing each other, in the particular society or outside, because it is allowed to do that. We got one religion eliminate others. We got countries at war because they believe in different deities. From Humanity, Equality, and Security, it's disgraceful and disgusting. From religion rules, it can still be acceptable.

When we are too busy fighting others, we forget the initial purpose of establishing religion: To find The TRUTH. We are busy maintaining the rules and eliminating everyone on its path, and forget that every single thing there is set to help us find the ANSWER. The TRUTH.

And in the end, we are still bunch of savage creatures after all..

-Adi Wicaksono, just a person who likes to question a lot-

July 07, 2012

Another Thought(s) of Me, You, and Us In This Saturday Morning

I woke up today with a bit of hangover. I wasn't drinking the other night, I just couldn't sleep well. This queen-sized bed didn't really help in terms of comfort, after all. I felt my blanket, hugging some part of it while leaning myself on the wall, staring blankly in the dark. Somehow,  I imagined you were sleeping next to me.

Winter is here finally. Morning becomes longer and colder, making it difficult to leave the bed. I turned the lights on, then lied my head on the pillow again. Unconsciously my hand reached an empty side next to me. Maybe you might be there, magically teleporting yourself from your warm Summer here, in my winter. But my arm touched nothing but a freezing air.

I packed my bags, ready for another gym today. As I walked pass the kitchen, I saw my suitcases lined up neatly in the living room. I'll be leaving soon. I decided to sit on the couch, throwing my eyes to the ocean on the window, silently enjoying it. Your voice from depths of my thoughts slowly creeping back, filling the empty house I'll be leaving soon. Thinking back in those days when I was late for work, and you voluntarily offered me help in preparing my work clothes everyday so that I wouldn't have to jump around with one feet in sock like kangaroo looking for my other half sock.

But then that moment came across. The moment that hurt my heart so, the moment when I was physically and mentally weak, the moment when I couldn't bear it anymore. Thinking of you with some other guy that time made me..

Ah, forget it. It's over. I shouldn't let the sadness crept in. I smiled, and decided to went exercising.

Winter air cuddled my loneliness away during my walk in town. The sea, the birds, the people.. I wish you were here to enjoy all this with me. We could watch movie together, snuggling in the back seat, maybe having a kiss or two if no one's watching. I could show you the lighthouse, the gift shop, the park, or maybe we can just hold hands together. That could be sweet, if it came through. But again, I sighed myself back to reality.

I walked down the supermarket aisle, picking food. Remember when we talked through phone, pretending I'm shopping for us? Every time I walked the same aisle, I couldn't help but smile, especially when I pass through aisle where your favorite movie characters are displayed. I couldn't help but to touch it again, thinking that you might be happy if I gave you these. But that thoughts quickly faded into reality. I put it back to where it belonged, and left the aisle.

Then my phone rang. It's my teacher and her family. She wanted to take me to one of the local resorts for farewell party. I said yes, and off we go five minutes later. The thoughts of you disappeared for some hours, until they drop me back home. I put my bag in the house, then wore pair of thongs out to the beach across the road.

I stood silently, staring blankly through the ocean. The writing I wrote months ago had been washed away by the cold wave. Our love too, I suppose.

Do you still think of me in your Summer like I did this whole Winter? Do you feel the same pain and lost in your happiness like I did in my loneliness? Do you sometimes paused a bit in your life just to wish I am there like I did to you?

I didn't expect you to understand, though. You might just come with your arguments and we might ended up in fight as always. I just want you to know that I have forgiven you. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven us.

I took off my thongs and decided to let the wave cuddled my toes. And...


July 04, 2012

The Wound That Stays Still

Someone asked me this question some times ago, related to my post about heart-beat previously. "What about the wound that stays green? What about the feeling that stays there, as if we WANT it to stay there?"

I watched a DVD titled "What a bleep Do We Know?" that explains to us about how we actually crave for negative emotions. Through some sort of chemical reaction, body creates some sort of drugs that will make us got addicted to the feelings we are feeling, both sadness and happiness. So probably that is why the wounds are green, because we are, biologically, want it to stay there. The sad feeling is addictive, and we are unconsciously maintaining the feeling, like it or not, by trying to keep it inside, refusing to realize that it's no longer there, or by trying to repeat the process. In extreme cases, maybe this is why there are people who are even have the tendency to hurt themselves to get the pleasure, the S & M groups. But correct me if I am wrong, becaue I have no authentic proof to support the link between emotion-addiction to BDSM activities.

So how to let it go? It's there, it's ridiculously addictive, and there seems to be no way to let go. Well, there is. It's called Letting Go. Letting go means surrender, giving up, stop-look-listen to your heart. There are some times when people seem to refuse to believe that it's over. There are people who refuse to accept defeat. There are those who keep fighting and fighting for nothing. Having a great spirit is good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes we need to realize that we sometimes can not get everything that we want. Sometimes, it's not meant for us. Sometimes, it's not our path. And by realizing that, we have done the first step of letting go, which is confessing that you are still clinging to it.

After the realization, comes the revelation. Slowly we would give up to reality, moving on, and start anew. Maybe the wounds are a bit painful still. But that's wounds are all about - pain. So toughen up, stop if you feel tired, and move forward again when you are ready. :)

I, myself, is still trying to move on from you.

June 28, 2012


While discussing some of the students' behavior during our trip back from school, my teacher told me a very inspiring story when she tried to deal with one of the students. More or less this is what I got from what she said to the student:

"If you ever feel that you really hate your life, then touch your chest and feel it. Feel the heart beat. As long as it is still beating, then that's your life. No sulking, no complaining. Just do your job, you can make your hateful life more lovable or you can spend your time keep hating it till your heart stops beating, till your jobs' over. That's just it."

Again, another lesson of life. Thank you. :)

June 27, 2012

What's Left

Today is just another plain days at work. Naughty pupils, lessons, tests, worksheets... In the middle of this "quiet life" I decided to open one of my social media account and found out that my ex-spouse-to-be liked my status. Hmm, that's strange, I think. I remember removing that person from my account.
Regardless, I decided to click on the name right next to the small thumb icon and read the only status I can read from that account. It was a bit shocking, but then I smiled.

"Happiness can be found everywhere, if you accept it, rises can be found everywhere if you search for them. Nothing in this world works like a perpetuum mobile. You have to put energy on it."

I could not lie that I still keep the feelings inside, no matter how painful and hurtful it was. But I knew that it was not suppose to be like that. We might meet and greet, walk together from different path to side by side, and inevitably must accept that our path separate some ways. What I need to treasure is not the pain and loneliness. It's the love. New experience. New-unfulfilled wishes like that small bucket I am filling in for the ticket to Germany, small gifts I would like to give personally.. It ended up badly, but otherwise it was a good start, and resulted in good lessons.

So I copied that part of the status and decided to post it in my blog, just as a reminder that maybe we have actually had been over from each other. And as a reminder that I also have to stop sulking over the flat tire and start replacing it.

But before that, there is one more promise I must fulfil.

June 19, 2012

To Love Someone That Loves You

Just a thought that crossed my mind again these days, recalling one of the show back in Indonesia (I forgot what it was) that interviewed some public figures about the different choices and the reason. One of the interesting part is when the show interviewed the figures about this question:

"Which one do you prefer? To love someone or to be loved by someone?"

Some people, mostly the gentlemen, chose the first one. The male instinct of hunting the prey might had to do with that, but some ladies who chose the first option considered that "it's not the time for us now to sit beautifully and wait for our prince to come."

The others chose the second one. They considered that "Love grows. Even in the most barren desert, if someone plant a seed and keep watering it, it will eventually grow, create flowers, and bear fruits. So does love. Love can flourish whenever there is a "gardener".

I think both are right. In some point love is precious to be chased and to be fight for, but fighting for something that is never there will be foolish as well. I like to nurture and like to feel like I am needed, but am not the mighty gardener that will be persistent enough in growing hard seeds. Motivations, seeing the sprout growing green and bearing hope helps me to fight for more.  Like what I used to say to someone, "If you want people to stay, you have to give them reason to stay."

Oh well, love is definitely not my specialty. :\

June 15, 2012


This late afternoon I spent some times talking with my teacher on our way back home, talking about the so called relationship. We discussed about some random people's relationship, and spent more time talking about my teacher's life with his kids and wife. We laughed and shared thoughts, but deep inside I was stunned.

Somehow I feel envious. People around me slowly find their own pathway to their destiny, either in love, career, family... And me? I'm still in a position where I can't call myself settled, but not necessary dependent as well. I want to feel the feeling of secure, having stability in life, not worrying about how will I live on the next ten years. I am tired of guessing the un-guessed, planning the unplanned, preparing myself for the unprepared moments. In short, after reflecting others' life to myself, I feel insecure about my future, love, career.

Love maybe the very first point I need to underline. As a human being in the early twenties, people might not believe that I am TIRED of experiencing roller coaster of life. I dated too many people that I'm tired of undergoing the process anymore. The thoughts of "Can we just meet and married?" keeps crossing my mind. I just want to be settled in my life. I want to stop adventuring with my feeling. This ship of emotions are too tired of sailing. It needs a harbor. But again, it is NOT EASY to find the right person. It's not just about "that person must be in one synchronized wave with me," but more to "we must be in the same tune, at least something that can hold on to us together, whether it is similarities or differences." And thinking to find the right harbor for the ship makes it worse.

Career. What more could I say? I'm a dude, early twenties, refusing to live with Mommy anymore, willing to be free at last from the bind of the big family that likes to keep lots of eyes to their smallest kid in the house. I just wanna be alone. I just wanna prove that I can do it. I can survive without further help. And I can make my family proud. But it seems like it's gonna be more difficult than it looks like. My mindset it somehow different. In some ways, even if I am craving to have a settled job, I don't wanna get settled with one job and bound to it and finally grow old, losing the spirit, and keep working like robot till the end of my life. I still wanna soar, experiencing the Earth, experiencing the world. I don't wanna be "that regular dude" who wakes up in the morning, working with no soul in his booth with coffee, go home, sit on a couch while watching football, and fell asleep. And died sometimes in the future raising kids that will have no pride on their Daddy. I wanna be different. And apparently my wish to be different leads me to tough roads.

It might be strange for having those thoughts coming out from someone who is not in his 30s yet. And in fact, after I spilled out everything, my teacher just say:

"No worries, Pak. Next time, your turn will come."

I was silenced. But then I realized. I could not just wish everything to happen. There is a process for that. I might only see people from their result, neglecting their process to achieve the result. People who are lucky to get married and happy with it spend years before they finally decide to let go of their freedom in exchange for a happiness they haven't known yet. Most successful friends of mine experienced hardships before they can actually make lots of money constantly. There are people older than me who are still struggling for that as well, so I am not supposed to feel left out.

I smiled while I saw my teacher's car went away. While walking inside my house, I took a deep breath and think,

"Patience, big boy. You'll get what you want, when you deserve to get what you want."

June 11, 2012

A Silly Dream For Today

Driving down next to the coast line, staring at the endless ocean and the white belt of sea sand, suddenly I have a wildest dream ever.

"I wish someday my best friend who is good enough in car driving and keen enough to accompany me and I can go for a tour to Europe on a car, spending months driving from the corner of Greece and going up to England, then fly back home. We'll bring supplies, tent if necessary, and multilingual dictionary. We will travel and travel, and buy souvenirs in each country, and write a story of a random person we met in that country. We'll visit pubs and monuments, taking pictures, store it in our thumb drive, and print it someday, and it will be the best story we will ever have."

Silly, isn't? Well, who knows. :)

*Inspired by a story from an old and experienced lady*

June 03, 2012

Manusia itu Lucu

Manusia itu lucu, sepertinya sih begitu..

Mereka mengeluh tentang betapa sulitnya mendapat pasangan yang tak hanya menilai mereka dari fisik,
dengan cara menilai dari fisik mereka.

Mereka mengeluh tentang betapa pasangan mereka begitu egois,
dengan cara mengedepankan egoisme mereka.

Mereka mengeluh tentang betapa orang lain tak memahami mereka,
dengan cara tidak memahami mereka.

Mereka mengeluh tentang betapa kurangnya yang mereka dapat,
dengan terus merasa kurang dengan apa yang mereka punya.

Mereka mengeluh tentang betapa orang-orang selalu menyakiti mereka,
dengan terus memberikan sakit yang sama.

Manusia itu lucu, seharusnya sih begitu..
Tapi kenapa didepan cermin ini..

hanya kudapat rasa malu?

June 02, 2012

The thought for the Day

It is a post related to dream and reality that I always been concerning for since long time, and so as my ex-spouse-want-to-be (ok i won't explain that term). I found this post in a site called one day, which is pretty interesting as well since that website mostly filled with meme jokes and stuffs and kinda less serious notes. However, more or less, this is how it was:

When a human die, they say brain will still work for seven minutes by re-playing all of the memories it had acquired in a dream-state. And since it's a dream, it will feel like it lasts very long, since time doesn't realistically has its power and law in dreams. So, what if you actually had died, and this whole-life experiences you think you just have now is only your "7 minute-replay?"


May 27, 2012


-just spending some time not leaving the blog empty-


I was too busy these weekend that I have forgotten about us for awhile. It was good though, since I didn't have to feel like missing or loosing you. But tonight when I was alone, the thoughts of you crept again slowly, trying to find its way back in where it belongs.

I quickly blocked the access, making myself busy with emails and works and papers, but in the end I accidentally stalk you online, and it broke me down again.

So I decided to cut our link even deeper by removing you from my online circle. It wasn't your fault, it was just my way to cure the wound, withdrawing myself deeper, and started the defensive mode again.

And with my friend, we watched some movies together before I go back to the area I was placed, continuing my life, without you.

Perhaps I will succeed. Perhaps I will die. Perhaps we'l never know.

May 18, 2012

Safetysuit -These Times

These times will try hard to define me,
And I’ll try to hold my head up high..
But I’ve seen despair here from the inside,
And it’s got a one track mind..

And I have this feeling in my gut now,
And I don’t know what it is I’ll find,
Does anybody ever feel like you’re always one step behind?

Now I’m sitting alone here in my bed.
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get.
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing.
I’m telling you these times are hard,
But they will..

And I know there’s someone out there somewhere,
Who has it much worse than I do..
But I have a dream inside, a perfect life,
I’d give anything just to work,
It’s like I’m only trying to dig my way out of all these things I can’t..

And I am sitting alone here in my bed.
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get.
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing.
I’m telling you these times are hard,

But they will pass.. They will pass.. They will pass..

These times are hard,
But they will..

These times will try hard to define me,
But I will hold my head up high.

Sitting alone here in my bed.
I’m waiting for an answer I don’t know that I’ll get.
I cannot stand to look in the mirror, I’m failing.
I’m telling you these times are hard,

But they will pass..

And I know there’s a reason..
I just keep hoping it won’t be long ’til I see it.
And maybe if we throw up our hands and believe it..

I’m telling you these times are hard,
But they will pass.. They will pass.. They will pass..

These times are hard..

But they will pass.