This late afternoon I spent some times talking with my teacher on our way back home, talking about the so called relationship. We discussed about some random people's relationship, and spent more time talking about my teacher's life with his kids and wife. We laughed and shared thoughts, but deep inside I was stunned.
Somehow I feel envious. People around me slowly find their own pathway to their destiny, either in love, career, family... And me? I'm still in a position where I can't call myself settled, but not necessary dependent as well. I want to feel the feeling of secure, having stability in life, not worrying about how will I live on the next ten years. I am tired of guessing the un-guessed, planning the unplanned, preparing myself for the unprepared moments. In short, after reflecting others' life to myself, I feel insecure about my future, love, career.
Love maybe the very first point I need to underline. As a human being in the early twenties, people might not believe that I am TIRED of experiencing roller coaster of life. I dated too many people that I'm tired of undergoing the process anymore. The thoughts of "Can we just meet and married?" keeps crossing my mind. I just want to be settled in my life. I want to stop adventuring with my feeling. This ship of emotions are too tired of sailing. It needs a harbor. But again, it is NOT EASY to find the right person. It's not just about "that person must be in one synchronized wave with me," but more to "we must be in the same tune, at least something that can hold on to us together, whether it is similarities or differences." And thinking to find the right harbor for the ship makes it worse.
Career. What more could I say? I'm a dude, early twenties, refusing to live with Mommy anymore, willing to be free at last from the bind of the big family that likes to keep lots of eyes to their smallest kid in the house. I just wanna be alone. I just wanna prove that I can do it. I can survive without further help. And I can make my family proud. But it seems like it's gonna be more difficult than it looks like. My mindset it somehow different. In some ways, even if I am craving to have a settled job, I don't wanna get settled with one job and bound to it and finally grow old, losing the spirit, and keep working like robot till the end of my life. I still wanna soar, experiencing the Earth, experiencing the world. I don't wanna be "that regular dude" who wakes up in the morning, working with no soul in his booth with coffee, go home, sit on a couch while watching football, and fell asleep. And died sometimes in the future raising kids that will have no pride on their Daddy. I wanna be different. And apparently my wish to be different leads me to tough roads.
It might be strange for having those thoughts coming out from someone who is not in his 30s yet. And in fact, after I spilled out everything, my teacher just say:
"No worries, Pak. Next time, your turn will come."
I was silenced. But then I realized. I could not just wish everything to happen. There is a process for that. I might only see people from their result, neglecting their process to achieve the result. People who are lucky to get married and happy with it spend years before they finally decide to let go of their freedom in exchange for a happiness they haven't known yet. Most successful friends of mine experienced hardships before they can actually make lots of money constantly. There are people older than me who are still struggling for that as well, so I am not supposed to feel left out.
I smiled while I saw my teacher's car went away. While walking inside my house, I took a deep breath and think,
"Patience, big boy. You'll get what you want, when you deserve to get what you want."
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nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]