Peut-ĂȘtre nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-ĂȘtre c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

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Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

October 27, 2012


I was sitting by the window of this moving train when I saw something slowly moving across the aqua sky. It's an aeroplane. At first I was amazed. But as it slowly moved halfway through the skyline, something strucked my mind.

Everytime I see an aeroplane passing over me, my heart ache a little bit. It reminds me that I will soon go back, ending the dream that I am currently living in. It also reminds me that there are things I just couldn't control no matter how. And somehow, I wish for it to happen.

Yes, I believe man are in charge of their own life. Universe flows in a certain pattern, but gives us endless opportunities and possibilities to deviate and flow in our own way. But in the end it returns to us, man, to determine our own future, and whether we are strong enough to bend the current into our own will. However, sometimes people's will and hope aren't strong enough to bend the current. Some hopes are merely empty ambitions, others are just plain form of refusal towards reality. Or maybe.. People are just too weak to fight the current.

Maybe I AM too weak to fight the current, so I decided to give up and follow the stream. The stream is the safest way to follow. No gambling, no fear.. Everything has been set up. But then why was I scared? I was suppose to feel happy, but why..?

Today, I saw another plane crossing by the blue sky over me right after I stepped out of the underground station. The cloudless sky that I saw seems to bring out endless possibilities, yet that plane decided to go straight to its direction, seemingly knew where it had to go, flying fearlessly.

I wish..

I wish I was as strong as that Aeroplane.

October 23, 2012


Jika hati dibungkam logika,
Masihkah bisa cinta kau rasa?
Terkecap dalam indra,
Larut dalam manis kata?

Ataukah hanya jadi persamaan,
Jadinya hitung-hitungan,
Akhirnya kebingungan..
Tanpa nikmat yang sama?

Jika hati dibungkam logika,
Masih adakah rindu di jiwa?
Kangen yang membabi buta,
Diiring hujan menari gila?

Ataukah cuma jadi diam-diaman,
Akhirnya sama-sama menderita?

Jika hati dibungkam logika,
Mungkinkah aku lebih bahagia?

Atau jangan-jangan,
Ini cuma pelarian belaka?


"Ah! Gak usah banyak tanya!" kata logika.
Akhirnya aku dibungkam juga.

October 14, 2012


"I am scared..".


The sky looked so blue today. Clouds decorated the light blue sea of air with their smoky look. It was clean. It was bright. It was beautiful.

It was empty.

I sat alone, in the corner of the bus, staring blankly at the sky that slowly turned grey. Or gray. Huh, it's funny how spelling can puzzle you these days. Whatever it was, the sky was getting darker and darker. No one but me and the driver was in the bus.  As the first drop or water pouring to the glass-window, my heart trembled.

"I am scared..".


I sat at the couch of gym's waiting room, waiting for the rain to stop. People walking by, passing by with their drink bottles, their muscles, their sweat. People walking by, and I sat there still, staring at the greyish sky. Slowly, the grey sky crept into the waiting room, engulfing everything in smoky-grey color, leaving me alone, sitting on the couch. Alone in the endless grey shades.

"I am scared..".


I stood in the middle of the crowd in the city in front of the station entrance. People walked by, chatted, talked, ran, growled, yelled, swore.. I looked up to the sky. The grey color greeted me coldly. I then looked down, seeing the wet pavement below my sneakers. It was cold. It was.. bitter. But it was addicting.

"I-I am..".


I let my feet be caressed by greyish wave while my eyes wandered around aimlessly. The sea.. The place that always seemed to call me, looked very calm and peaceful.  But at the same time, it looked very troubled, very cold. I stood up from the grey sand and started walking closer to the water. As the freezing sensation touched just above my calf, I stopped.

"I am.. I am scared."

"I always said that I am okay. I have been trying so hard to be strong. I cast away the old and whining me, trying to be more mature, to be what a man is suppose to be. I have been trying to be more realistic and sarcastic. I let go of emotional attachments that will cloud my judgment, trying to remove any unnecessary bond that will result in pain... I am stronger now. But why am I still scared?"

I could not help it. A grey tear ran through my cheek. I could not help it. My knees suddenly grew weak. I fell and scarily tremble.

"I have fought this far.. For everyone. But no one is here to share the smile.. No one..".

As my voice slowly drowned in tears and sadness, I grasped the sand under me so tight that it hurt so bad.

"I am scared. Somebody.. Please.. Help..".

As everything slowly dissolved into shades of grey.. I could hear a warm voice.. A very warm and nostalgic voice.

"You'll be alright. You're not alone, dear...".


I woke up from my nap, all in sweat. I looked at the window. It was blue, with smoky clouds decorating it. For awhile, I felt a bit happy, but then as I looked through my room, I sighed and whispered..

"But.. I am still alone."

October 13, 2012


Just today one of my senior was wishing to get married soon. He was around his late 20s, a crucial time for Indonesian people to rethink about their life purpose and start settling down. I was laughing at him and teasing him. But once I retreated into my sanctuary of thoughts, my own cubicle of random thinking, I began to feel the same way as he did. I am 24.

As the thoughts grew bigger and bigger and bigger like a huge tree from my small cubicle of thoughts, sunlight penetrated among the leaves, creating translucent green sparkle that dazzled my thoughts away. I thought about how it would be beautiful to get married. No more running away, no more tiring adventures with love, no more break ups and insecurities. No more lying to myself. I just wished that I could skip the process of fishing and just luckily met my big white whale and stop sailing.

But then in the hallucinated green lights, A warm and calming arms touched my back. It's Ashley. That grey-winged androgynous snapped me out of reality.

"Don't get tired. Keep looking. Keep trying. Or you can always stop. It was you who keep fishing in the storm. You CAN always stop and wait till you are very sure about it, which is something you do now."

"But.. What if I missed the whale? What if when I sail there, I will only find tunas and.. stuff?"

"Are you allergic to tuna?"

"No, I'm not."

"Then enjoy the tuna, my dear. You can always NOT eat the tuna. Your choice, and seems like you are bound to taste whatever fish you caught."


"You don't have to. You can always set them back free," said him while holding my arm. We then floated and flew slowly, passing the branches of the big green tree. And in one of the big branches, we sat. Faraway, we could see the top of the tree, blinded by the sunlight.

It was shady and cool, my kind of weather. He smiled at me and looked at me deeply.

"You see, you do realize that getting married will only halt your way to your final purpose, don't you?"

"What is my final purpose?" I asked. He laughed so loud hearing my answer.

"Oh my Goodness I can't believe I am destined to guard an abstract person like you...", he then touched my back warmly, then his other arms raised up, pointing to the far top of the tree, passing the green leaves, to the very top of the tree, illuminated by the sunlight.

"That, my dear, is your final purpose. The branch we are sitting is your current situation. You are getting strong, like the branch. However!" He then walked, tip-toeing to the trunk of the tree. He then lean on the trunk, looking at me, then tilt his head up.

"Look up there!" I looked up. There are more branches covering above my head. "That... Is my other dreams I will have to fulfill..".

He smiled. "That is correct! Still long way to go, dear. Long way to go."

"But.. It's MY dreams, not the Universe. What if it against the Universe and in the end there will be no branches left?"

"You think too much," he said while smiling. "Nothing is impossible, dear..".

Ashley flew back to me, hugged my back gently, and whispered, "So don't give up..".


I opened my eyes and looked at the time. It's 9.30.

I should go to the gym soon.