Peut-ĂȘtre nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-ĂȘtre c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

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Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

December 24, 2012

Contemplation part I: Unity in Diversity

I spent several days thinking about the true meaning of living in diversity. Coming from a country with more than 300 different tribes and five big religions, to tolerate others are something that is supposed to be there to begin with, to ensure that everything runs smoothly and no one is considered being bullied by others. Ideally.

But no. I still see many aggression done by majority towards the minority for a simple reasons like "because my religion says so", or "because you are different." It is sad, but it's true. Everywhere we see people being hurt just because they have different opinion or point of view. Bigger communities destroy lesser groups because they are weak and violates the vision of the bigger communities. And sadly, these issues got even bigger and bigger each day. Ironic, since we have this beautiful motto, Unity in Diversity.

Before we start, let us talk about myself first. I used to be a part of the bigger communities, silently cursing and pitying those who don't share my point of view. We still live together, but every time I see those people who didn't share the same belief, I felt disgusted. I didn't know from where I got this mindset before. All of these keep rolling on until I start to question myself: Is it the right thing to do? They are people, like me. They have their own way, they have their own point of view. They have their own understanding. And they are not me. They don't share the same vision with me, either in religion, sexual preferences, politics.. So why must I hate them?

In my search for the truth, I decided to abandon my community, aiming to find the most neutral stand. I revert myself into the most basic form; the blank state. In this blank state, there is no specific god. There is no skin color. There is no sex preference. Only a "blank" body with brain to think and observe. And through this "blank state" I might have seen things a bit clearer. I see that people mostly tolerate people in the way that they put a big bold border between them and the others who don't share their vision. Between these border we shall smile, we shall greet, we shall be friends. But if I see even one finger slipped into the holes of the fences, then I shall cut it. I see that some people also feel uncomfortable seeing something that is not "meant" to be like that, at least from their point of view. Hence, naturally they will try to fix it to make it look good.

But I still can not find the ultimate answer for my question of Why people can't coexist? Why there are many violence acts in the name of religion, race, and sexual preferences?

Today I tried to initiate a discussion with someone who is from my previous community. We talk a lot about how Moslem should not give regards for Christmas. In the end, I was a bit upset because I thought the reason was a bit.. pathetic, due to the fact that I see Christmas as an event, not a religious celebration. But then I realized that it was how the person see the celebration of Christmas: as a religious celebration, not as a merely cultural, therefore it was clearly forbidden for them to even send regards for it. We were different, and I tried to make my point of view acceptable. I just turn myself into an idiot who is as pathetic as those people who force others to believe what they believe.

I feel.. Bad. *sigh*.

I should say, I haven't finished in thinking of a way to make people accept each other without hurting each other. However, at least I find something very important from our discussion. As I paraphrase it with my shallow mind, Everyone who does not share the same ideal belief, religion, sex preferences, or even skin color, should not put others' that is different from him/her lower and try to eliminate and convert them into what he/she sees as the ideal.
I still have long way to go.

December 14, 2012

An Afternoon Melancholy

The more I get to know you, the more difficult it is going to be to let you go. Maybe that's why for every aeroplane I see crossing through the sky above me, I feel scared and sad. And strangely, happy.

I learnt many things, especially those about things I thought I knew. In the end I'm still a learner, observing, learning, collecting knowledge, and later drawing conclusion from it. Although the future seems to scare me, again I always try to calm myself, saying that everything will be okay. I have to keep reminding myself that I am both in charge and not in charge of my future. My destiny is written by me, but it is merely a proposal the Universe must approve.

as the afternoon clouds starts to gather around my empty realm of memories, I smiled and try to let it go again. It's funny, however, since it was never this difficult to let go of something. Maybe I begin to let myself attached too long. Or maybe, I'm just learning like the rest of the world.

Ah well. One thing for sure: I will never lose hope. I will find you. And I promise the happiest of the happiest for you.

December 09, 2012

I have changed. A bit.

"You've changed," said my friend.

"What do you mean?"

"You no longer show some enthusiast when people flirt on you like you used to do. You didn't respond it like the way you used to do."

For a moment, there was only silence. I tried so hard not to say anything painful.

"I have changed."

"What do you mean?"

"I no longer find those youth ways of approach interesting. Cute nicknames, giggles, overly-attached relationship style, inappropriate I-miss-you text in a middle of the night, sulking over unnecessary things.. It's just not appealing to me anymore. I find the waiting game where one of us should text first in the name of dignity very mentally exhausting and time consuming. I don't see the act of indirect approach, like saying that you are no longer has meaning to me or that you are not in my league just to lure my sympathy as necessary. I see no purpose in attention-seeking behavior that is displayed simply because I am not interested any longer."


"Have you thought about marriage lately?"

"Huh? What do you mean? You're not thinking of getting married are you?"

"No, but I'm thinking of ending this purposeless connection. If I am to connect with anyone romantically, at least there will be a plan to bring our link to something more serious. I'm tired."

My friend didn't reply anything for awhile.

"I never thought of that actually," my friend replied.

"Maybe I am not suppose to think that far," I mumbled. "Maybe.. I should act like other 24 year old young man should do; drink beer, flirt and make out, or do some sex with some randoms."

"You have changed."

"I know. So I hope you understand."

"So.. What do you want then?"

"II want to be left alone, please."

"Ow. Alright. Sorry then. Maybe I should leave."

"I am the one who should say sorry. Hope you can find those who can fulfill your needs."

Then all was silent. Another heart got rejected.

Not because I look down upon them. Not because I couldn't move on from you. It's just that.. I'm not interested.

Ah well. Maybe I am just being insensitive.

December 08, 2012

Being True To Myself

as I approached the end of my journey, many things slowly clouded my mind and blinded me. I have been blindly looking for a chance to stay abroad, or even to move to other places. I searched and searched like there was no tomorrow, and finally narrowed my choices onto three other countries other than Australia. I was happy to find those options, then I tried to examine each of them. One of the choices quickly met its end when I didn't fulfill some of the requirements. The other two... Ah, very tempting, very.. reachable.

Then I tried and tried and tried to collect all of the things I need to achieve my dreams there, but it made me feel tired and exhausted. I felt like I'm chasing something I didn't even know why. I kept making excuses and reasoning to make my steps sound logical and had a purpose, when I then realized that I have been lying to myself all this time.

"When will you stop running away? Why do you run? Do you remember Bima? When he managed to find the true meaning of 'Unity with The Creator of All' through his inner self, Dewa Ruci, he refused to leave But he must. He has other things he must deal with. His journey, his learning, they are not finished yet." -Anton-

My heart slowly spoke the dark truth: I am scared. I am afraid of going back. Life has been so comfortable and beautiful here that I refused to accept the fact that it will end. Thus, I tried to find a way, any way, just to be able to repeat and re-live the chance again. I was scared of being trapped again. I was afraid of the life that I used to have. I was scared of losing what I earned into meaningless things. I didn't want to end up like those before me; they stop and stay as if they never actually went away.

I am also tired of living in lies. I want to find a place where I can call it home. A place where I can rest all of my worries, being true to myself, settling down, and.. I want to meet you. Even if we are apart and we no longer emotionally connected, a part of me still wishfully thinking that we can work it out somehow.

"I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!!! Please.. let me stay... Please let me stay. I don't know how or why, but please..".

But I must. This isn't about being trapped or letting yourself live in lies. This is about another journey that will take at least another one year of my life. I don't want to do it blindly. Not because I want to run away, or because I'm chasing you who has peacefully left the story of us.

This is about me. This is about my future. I have been lying to myself and almost put everything in a painful end. If I want to go somewhere again, then it is because I need to learn more, not because I refuse to stay and face the reality. My chance to live the dream is almost over, and I should accept and gallantly march back with smile. And if another chance come, then it is because I am allowed to learn more.

"You are a strong man. Your eyes are both innocent and mature, your words are both cute and deep. You managed to write your own destiny so far, breaking up the boundaries that your family, your country, and even yourself has set in front of you. You have lived and done the impossible. It should be easy to re-live the chance. But remember, writing destiny is not an easy job since it is not erasable. If you scribble your destiny, then it will stay there. You are more mature then I was when I was in your age, and I believe you will write the most beautiful prose mankind had ever written as your destiny. You just need to know what to write." - Andrew-

That late afternoon, those words awaken my inner thoughts. I felt so light. So easy. So.. Enlightened. Yes, I am sorry for lying to myself. And thank you, for being true to myself.

"Yes, I'll cross my fingers, my arms, and my legs for your journey! You can do it brother!" - Anti-

I smiled. And two options that I have has narrowed into one. The toughest one, however, because you will be there, and I suppose I have to suck it up with it. This is the ultimate test I must accomplished. To step forward to the next part, one should have the power to give his power and surrender.

I hope I am ready.

*thank you to those wonderful people that wakes me up of my own shadow*


Before this post I posted an announcement that said that I will not update anything on the blog except the auto update due to some issues. Thinking that I might need some times to deal with it, I decided to do it. But in the end it took me less than a week to deal with everything, so I guess I will be posting again. So, those who likes to read my stories, I'm back!

December 02, 2012

My Favorite Quotes

Spongebob: "What if I break your trust someday?" Patrick: "Trusting you is my decision, proving me wrong is your choice." - Spongebob Squarepants, Viacom, ????

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." -Semisonic, Closing Time, 1998.

"Nothing last forever. So live it up, drink it down, laugh it off, avoid drama, take chances, and never regret, because at some point, everything you had done was exactly what you had wanted.." - A Friend, 2013.

"Apa jadinya dunia kalau mereka tahu tentang kita?" (What would the world be if they know about us?) - Ren Tobing, Cinta Terlarang, OST. Arisan!, 2003.

"Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along." - Mawlana Jalal-al-Din Rumi, ???, ???

"Stress, including the mental stress of uncertainty, is an ingredient in attachment or love and that perhaps even manifestations of hatred (its polar opposite) somehow enhance love." - Guy Murchie, Seven Mysteries of Life, 1999 (?).

"The right to use my friend as a weapon, that is the sinful crown I shall adorn." - Guilty Crown, Production I.G., 2011.

"You're like a dog chasing a car. You'll never catch it and you just wouldn't know what to do with it if you did." - Snow Patrol personnel, Gary Lightbody's father, commenting on his infatuation for a girl.

"Listen, suffering is a fact of life. Either you learn how to deal with that or you go under. You can stay in your own little dream world, but you can't keep hurting other people!" - Heather Mason, Silent Hill 3, Konami, 2003.

"Chi trova un amico, trova un tesoro." (One who finds a friend, finds a treasure) - Italian Proverb.

"You know what's wrong with you, Miss Whoever-you-are? You're chicken, you've got no guts. You're afraid to stick out your chin and say, "Okay, life's a fact, people do fall in love, people do belong to each other, because that's the only chance anybody's got for real happiness." You call yourself a free spirit, a 'wild thing,' and you're terrified somebody's gonna stick you in a cage. Well baby, you're already in that cage. You built it yourself. And it's not bounded in the west by Tulip, Texas, or in the east by Somali-land. It's wherever you go. Because no matter where you run, you just end up running into yourself." - Paul Varjak, Breakfast At Tiffany's, Paramount Pictures, 1961.

"Just because some cute girl likes the same bizzaro crap you do, that doesn't make her your soul mate, Tom." -Rachel, 500 days of Summer, Fox searchlight pictures, 2009.-

"I love you" is never a question; it's a statement. And a statement never needs an answer. -Wicaksono, 2013-

"We're not friends. We're not enemies. We're just strangers with some memories." -Dinda Putra Ramadhan, 2012-

"Neque porro quisquam est qui dolorem ipsum quia dolor sit amet, consectetur, adipisci velit.." (There is no one who loves pain itself, who seeks after it and wants to have it, simply because it is pain..) -Cicero, De finibus bonorum et malorum, a treatise on the theory of ethics, 45 BC-

"Sed fugit interea fugit irreparabile tempus, singula dum capti circumvectamur amore." (But meanwhile it flees: time flees irretrievably, while we wander around, prisoners of our love of detail.) -Virgil, Georgics, ????-

"Respice post te! Hominem te esse memento! Memento mori!" (Look behind you! Remember that you are but a man! Remember that you'll die!) -Tertullian, Apologeticus, ????-

"It's funny how people avoid getting hurt by hurting someone else instead." -Wicaksono, 2012-

"Bahagia itu bukan tergantung pada tempat, tapi pada kondisi. Dan kondisi itu tergantung pada cara pandangmu. Jadi ga ada alasan kamu untuk lebih bahagia di sini dan lebih menderita di sana." (Happiness is not about the place, but the situation. And the situation is there from the way you perceive it. So there is no reason to feel "happier here and worse there"). -Wicaksono, 2012-

"Kadang setelah kita menghabiskan satu periode bersama dia untuk membencinya, kita akan menghabiskan sisa hidup kita untuk merindukannya." (Sometimes we spend a period to hate him, and the rest of our life to miss him). -Wicaksono, 2012-

"Why is it that, as a culture, we are more comfortable seeing two men holding guns than holding hands?" -Ernest Gaines, ????-

"Setiap orang pasti memiliki bagian yang bikin dia ga percaya diri. Makanya, orang yang punya self-confidence itu harganya mahal." (Everyone has a part that makes him/her feel inconfidence. Therefore, people with self-confidence worths more) - Pipit Indrawati, 2012.

"Human is all about Pride and Ambition. with Pride we achieve our Ambition. With Ambition we gain our Pride. and to stand in the middle of both, is what we called PERFECTION." -Wicaksono, 2011-

"Hati itu tidak sekuat Mimpi, jadi jangan digantung terlalu tinggi." (Heart is not strong like Dream, so it's best to leave it hung not too high). - Wicaksono, 2011-

"Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand." -Wicaksono, 2011-

"LIVING is about filling the gap between LIFE and DEATH with something good and meaningful. and I don't think I need to elaborate what's GOOD and MEANINGFUL here. Use your common sense." - Wicaksono, 2011

"Sampai kapan kau terus bertahan, Sampai kapan kau tetap tenggelam, Sampai kapan kau mesti terlepas..? Buka mata, dan hatimu, relakan semua." - Padi, Semua Tak Sama, 2001-

"Karena kamu adalah mahakarya terbesar bagi hidupmu." (Because you are the masterpiece in your life) - Jeremy, 2011

"Fisik bukan jaminan, yg penting hati, pola fikir, dan cara kita berinteraksi dengan sekeliling: Saat smua itu berkolaborasi dengan baik, maka tanpa harus ganteng pun, banyak org senang deket dengan kita." (physical appearance does not guarantee anything. It is your heart, your mindset, and how you interact with your surrounding that matter. When all of those are synchronized in harmony, wverybody will love you without even have to be a good-looking man.) - Arif Budiyanto, 2011

"You know what they say: once you killed a cow you gotta make a burger." - Lady Gaga, Telephone, 2010

"Hidup itu sebenarnya simpel. Kalo iya lakukan, kalo ga jangan lakukan. Manusia aja yang bikin ribet hidup mereka sendiri." (Life is simple. If you like it, say Yes. If you don't, say no. Mankind makes their life complicated.) - Wicaksono, 2010

"Demi masa, Sesungguhnya manusia kerugian, Melainkan mereka yang beriman dan beramal sholeh." (In the name of Time, mankind is surely at lost.. Except those who believe and do good deeds) - raw translation from Surah Al-Ashr (1-3).

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." - Mark Twain

"Reality is harsh, is it not?" - Ultimecia, Dissidia Final Fantasy, SquareEnix, 2008-2009

"Right and wrong are not what separate us and our enemies. It's our different standpoints, our perspectives that separate us. Both sides blame one another. There's no good or bad side. Just two sides holding different views." - Squall, Final Fantasy VIII, Squaresoft, 1998-1999

"Love is something that returns." - Cha Song Joo, Stairways to Heaven, SBS, 2003-2004

"Win, no matter what, don't sympathize with your enemy, because you're paying the same price as them!" - Jun Ushiro's Father, Bokurano, Mohiro Itoh-GONZO animation, 2007

"What's right... What you should choose to do in life... The answers to those things lie within you." - Sayoko Uehara, Persona 4, ATLUS, 2008-2009

"You don't have to save the world to find the meaning in life, sometimes all you need is something simple, like someone to take care of." - Aigis, Persona 3 FES, ATLUS, 2007-2008

"Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday." - some random fortune cookies