as I approached the end of my journey, many things slowly clouded my mind and blinded me. I have been blindly looking for a chance to stay abroad, or even to move to other places. I searched and searched like there was no tomorrow, and finally narrowed my choices onto three other countries other than Australia. I was happy to find those options, then I tried to examine each of them. One of the choices quickly met its end when I didn't fulfill some of the requirements. The other two... Ah, very tempting, very.. reachable.
Then I tried and tried and tried to collect all of the things I need to achieve my dreams there, but it made me feel tired and exhausted. I felt like I'm chasing something I didn't even know why. I kept making excuses and reasoning to make my steps sound logical and had a purpose, when I then realized that I have been lying to myself all this time.
"When will you stop running away? Why do you run? Do you remember Bima? When he managed to find the true meaning of 'Unity with The Creator of All' through his inner self, Dewa Ruci, he refused to leave But he must. He has other things he must deal with. His journey, his learning, they are not finished yet." -Anton-
My heart slowly spoke the dark truth: I am scared. I am afraid of going back. Life has been so comfortable and beautiful here that I refused to accept the fact that it will end. Thus, I tried to find a way, any way, just to be able to repeat and re-live the chance again. I was scared of being trapped again. I was afraid of the life that I used to have. I was scared of losing what I earned into meaningless things. I didn't want to end up like those before me; they stop and stay as if they never actually went away.
I am also tired of living in lies. I want to find a place where I can call it home. A place where I can rest all of my worries, being true to myself, settling down, and.. I want to meet you. Even if we are apart and we no longer emotionally connected, a part of me still wishfully thinking that we can work it out somehow.
"I DON'T WANNA GO HOME!!! Please.. let me stay... Please let me stay. I don't know how or why, but please..".
But I must. This isn't about being trapped or letting yourself live in lies. This is about another journey that will take at least another one year of my life. I don't want to do it blindly. Not because I want to run away, or because I'm chasing you who has peacefully left the story of us.
This is about me. This is about my future. I have been lying to myself and almost put everything in a painful end. If I want to go somewhere again, then it is because I need to learn more, not because I refuse to stay and face the reality. My chance to live the dream is almost over, and I should accept and gallantly march back with smile. And if another chance come, then it is because I am allowed to learn more.
"You are a strong man. Your eyes are both innocent and mature, your words are both cute and deep. You managed to write your own destiny so far, breaking up the boundaries that your family, your country, and even yourself has set in front of you. You have lived and done the impossible. It should be easy to re-live the chance. But remember, writing destiny is not an easy job since it is not erasable. If you scribble your destiny, then it will stay there. You are more mature then I was when I was in your age, and I believe you will write the most beautiful prose mankind had ever written as your destiny. You just need to know what to write." - Andrew-
That late afternoon, those words awaken my inner thoughts. I felt so light. So easy. So.. Enlightened. Yes, I am sorry for lying to myself. And thank you, for being true to myself.
"Yes, I'll cross my fingers, my arms, and my legs for your journey! You can do it brother!" - Anti-
I smiled. And two options that I have has narrowed into one. The toughest one, however, because you will be there, and I suppose I have to suck it up with it. This is the ultimate test I must accomplished. To step forward to the next part, one should have the power to give his power and surrender.
I hope I am ready.
*thank you to those wonderful people that wakes me up of my own shadow*
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nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]