Peut-ĂȘtre nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-ĂȘtre c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

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Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

July 24, 2012

Happy 24!

Another year passed. This year, it's somewhat better. Some of my dreams are fulfilled already, and many more dreams will follow. However, there is only one dream I haven't managed to reach.

I want to find my soul mate, my life partner, and romantically-emotionally settling down. I'm too tired of wandering around, wondering around. I want to find someone whom I can share my life, my thoughts, my hugs, my tears, my weaknesses, my powers.
Someone who can be my friend, my lover, my advisor, my partner. Someone who will kiss me good morning, someone whom I will kiss after I go back from work. Someone that will complain about how I am getting fat, losing my muscles and six packs, but still hug and kiss me afterwards.
Someone that I will spend time looking at before I go to bed. Someone that I will hug from behind at the kitchen, while I'm helping in preparing dishes.
Someone who is not demanding, but supporting and reminding. Someone who understand, and whom I can understand. 
I wish.. I wish I could find that someone in this very long and tiring roller coaster of life. I wish I could find you.


I wish it could happen.


July 18, 2012

Curhat

Kamu cute lho, aku suka badan kamu, senyum kamu, kulit kamu. Kamu ganteng, sayang..

Kata-kata itu terngiang terus di kepalaku siang itu. Aku duduk menanti bus yang belum datang. Entah kenapa wajah dan kata-katamu berputar berulang-ulang di kepala.

Saya? Cute? Cute darimana?


Saya dibesarkan untuk mengidentifikasi diri saya dengan satu kata sifat: Jelek. Besar dalam keluarga campuran di lingkungan kampung pecinan kaya di kota kecil membuat saya tidak percaya diri dengan warna kulit saya yang coklat, apalagi mengingat Ibu saya berperawakan chinese, lengkap dengan mata sipit dan kulit putihnya. Semakin dewasa saya semakin menyadari kalau pria berkulit coklat itu tidak semenarik koko-koko (sebutan untuk pemuda chinese), mas-mas arab, atau indo-indo (sebutan untuk pemuda campuran kaukasia-indonesia) yang jumlahnya seakan meningkat di kota kecil kami.


Tubuh saya pendek. Waktu SMP cuma sampai 160 cm, SMA 165, sekarang terjebak di 169,7 cm, yang biasa saya bulatkan jadi 170. Biar tidak malu. Berdiri disamping teman-teman yang tinggi menjulang dan gagah membuat hati saya semakin kecut, semakin sakit. Seleksi pasukan pengibar bendera tidak masuk. Mau ikut Akademi Polisi juga tidak sampai. Saya merasa dunia bukan tempat untuk orang-orang pendek dan jelek.

Saya dulu juga bukan anak "baik-baik". Waktu SD saya bandel, suka mukul anak orang, bikin rusuh, sangat vandal, dan brutal. Semua orang tidak suka saya. Mereka bilang saya tidak bermasa depan. Katanya saya nakal. Katanya saya aneh. Tidak ada yang berteman dengan saya. Yang laki-laki menertawakan kebodohan saya karena tidak bisa main sepak bola, atau kecengengan saya yang suka menangis kalau dipukul. Yang perempuan bilang saya najis, karena mereka jijik melihat saya. Entah kenapa, mungkin saya kotor di mata mereka. Mungkin saya kaya tai.

Saya juga bodoh waktu SD. Kelas satu nilai saya tidak ada yang bagus. Untung saya masih bisa naik kelas sampai lulus kelas enam. Lengkaplah sudah. Bodoh-jelek-nakal. Kombinasi yang cukup untuk membuat orang-orang tidak menyukai saya.

Sejak SMP saya mulai belajar kalau diam itu emas. Saya tidak lagi membangkang atau melawan. Saya ikuti arusnya, saya lihat dan saya amati. Sekejap posisi saya mulai merangkak naik, ditambah otak saya yang akhirnya mulai bekerja juga setelah dua tahun pertama di SD mogok. Meski demikian, saya masih sulit mencari teman. Klasifikasi "gaul" semakin kuat saat SMP. Yang tidak bisa basket, yang tidak suka bola, yang tidak suka nongkrong, mereka bukan orang asik. Dan kebetulan saya tidak punya itu semua. Teman-teman mulai bikin geng, yang laki-laki dan perempuan. Di kelas isinya membicarakan orang lain, kalau ada tugas kelompok semuanya bergerombol dengan geng mereka. Yang apes ya orang kaya saya, tidak punya geng. Terpaksa ikut dan mengiyakan kalau bergabung dengan yang lain. Yang penting saya selamat, itu saja pikiran saya.

Waktu SMA akhirnya semua lumayan reda, meski persaingan tetap sengit. Kini yang tidak punya motor, yang tidak suka bola, mereka berdiri di luar lingkaran. Yang cantik-cantik ngegeng sama yang cantik-cantik. Penggila It ngegeng sama penggila IT. Anak militer ngegeng dengan anak militer. Saya? Anak ras campur cuma bisa duduk diam waktu istirahat. Untungnya waktu SMA saya aktif di ekskul dan OSIS, jadi saya tidak begitu ditendang keluar dari lingkaran sosial di sekolah. Namu kadang saya bertanya-tanya tentang nasib mereka yang tidak ikut ekstrakulikuler sama sekali, yang tidak ikut OSIS, yang hanya datang sekolah, belajar, ujian, dan pulang. Entah kenapa saya melihat mereka sebagai makhluk yang lebih bahagia dari saya.

Selama SMP dan SMA saya sejenak bisa melupakan kelemahan fisik saya karena saya sudah cukup disayangi karena otak saya. Untuk sejenak, saya merasa bahagia. Bahagia karena ternyata ada yang bisa melihat jauh dibalik bungkusan saya yang kata mereka jelek.

Akhirnya saat kuliah saya bebas jadi diri sendiri. Saya eksplorasi semua celah yang belum bisa saya masuki waktu saya sekolah. Saya jelajahi semua kemungkinan yang ada. Saya jadi diri sendiri. Namun dunia tetaplah keras. Berkali-kali saya dihina karena fisik saya, berkali-kali saya dicemooh karena saya tidak tinggi, tidak ganteng. Dunia masih sama ternyata, cuma letaknya sekarang berbeda. Dan setelah lelah melawan, saya akhirnya mengikuti arusnya. Saya terjebak dalam kepanikan untuk menjadi ganteng sesuai dengan idealnya orang-orang sekitar saya. Kulit coklat itu haram untuk saya, jadi saya pakai berbagai obat agar putih. Jerawat itu jelek, jadi saya mati-matian membersihkan jerawat. Badan kurus itu ga asik, jadi saya ngegym sambil makan banyak.

Akhirnya semua membuahkan hasil. Banyak yang bilang saya tampan waktu itu, muka saya putih, badan saya bagus. Saya sempat memacari banyak orang. Begitu mudahnya saya mencaripasangan waktu itu. Semua yang belum pernah saya rasakan waktu sekolah segera saya habiskan waktu kuliah.

Tapi ahkhirnya saya malah tidak bahagia. Akhirnya saya malah terjebak dalam bungkusan saya sendiri. Dulu saya bisa jadi diri sendiri namun dibenci, kini banyak yang suka, tapi saya tidak bahagia. Saya bingung, saya terjebak, dan pusing juga karena semua yang lakukan untuk memperbaiki penampilan saya harganya mahal. Saya takut, jika saya berhenti, saya akan sendiri lagi. Namun jika saya teruskan, saya akan kehilangan diri saya sendiri.

Dan akhirnya, setelah begitu letih menjadi orang lain, tepat disaat salah satu mantan saya meminta putus, tepat disaat saya mulai kerja, saya memutuskan meninggalkan semua itu. Biarlah mereka mencintai saya apa adanya, atau membenci saya apa adanya. Saya berhenti mewarnai rambut, dan secara berkala potong gundul. Saya masih fitnes, tapi semata-mata untuk memperbaiki postur bungkuk saya. Saya tak lagi panik jika mentari menyinari kulit. Biarlah dia coklat, biarlah. Biarlah jika ada orang yang tidak mau berkencan dengan saya karena saya tidak se oriental Ibu saya, atau tak terlihat indo. Biarlah. Biarlah mereka pergi. Saya lelah mengikuti permintaan pelanggan. Biarlah.


Ketika saya berada di negara asing untuk pertama kalinya, rasa takut itu kembali mncul. Saya berada di tengah orang-orang yang menjadi patokan tubuh, wajah, kulit, mata, dan semuanya yang ideal. Saya merasa begitu kecil, begitu lemah.. Begitu takutnya saya, sampai akhirnya saya putuskan untuk membiarkan saja diri saya apa adanya. Meski mata saya tidak berwarna warni, meski rambut saya cuma ada hitam dan uban, meski kulit saya tidak putih dan mulus, meski badan saya pendek, saya sudah tidak peduli. Yang penting saya hidup. Yang penting saya bekerja.

Dan disinilah saya, duduk di pemberhentian bus di tengah Perth, Australia Barat, mengingat-ingat perkataanmu dulu, waktu kta masih saling sayang. Katamu saya lucu. Katamu saya seksi. Sebelum itu, memang ada banyak lagi orang-orang yang bilang saya ganteng, atau tampan, atau kiyut, atau unyu, atau apalah. Tapi kebanyakan saya acuhkan, karena saya belajar kalau seseorang memujimu, bisa jadi karena dia ada perlu. Karena saya tidak percaya itu tulus.

Namun pujian dari kamu.. Beda. Pujian kamu membantu saya lebih mencintai diri saya. Pujian kamu, entah kenapa, mengawali pujian-pujian lain dari orang-orang lain setelah kamu. Dan tiap pujian itu membuat saya semakin mencintai diri saya, tanpa rasa takut.

Saya tersenyum, lalu melihat tubuh saya di pantulan kaca pemberhentian bus. Pemuda 23 tahun, tingginya sedang, beratnya sedang, wajahnya sedang. Semuanya, entah kenapa, terajut begitu manis didepan saya.

Dan hari itu saya merasa lebih percaya diri dari biasanya.

Terima kasih, kamu yang di Jerman.

The Illusion of Lost and Have

The word "own" or "have/has" can come as a verb, a set of words that is used to indicate something the subject do, like I have a book, she has the ticket, or I own this property. All indicate that the subject has possession towards the object, a sense that the objects are in their hands, in their control, even in some level it can be used to tell that the objects are inseparable from them.

However, do we actually have or own something? Do those things, those objects we have earned will be ours forever? Money we earned eventually will be used, food we get will eventually be eaten and gone, even cells in our body die every minutes and get replaced by new ones, everyday. So what's the point of telling people those things are mine! if we only have a momentary control of it? And why we, knowing that we only have a momentary control of it, can feel a tremendous lost and grief when it's gone?

The feeling of losing something comes as a result of the feeling of having something. When you see ashes on the floor, you must think that something was burnt before. The feeling of losing, like ashes you see on the floor, comes from the burning fire of having, the sense that we will immortally bound by the objects, while in the reality, nothing is immortal. Your money, your body, tour car, your clothes, everything will eventually destroyed by time. And nothing will left. So why the feeling of losing something can cloud our mind, when we realize that in the end everything will be gone?

The feeling of losing exists because of the illusion of having. But then you must realize that nothing is actually yours in the beginning, that you could only have a momentary control towards it before it's gone.

So when you know that you never actually and eternally have her in the beginning, then why crying when she's gone?

picture taken from:
http://buaiansayapanomali.deviantart.com/art/alone-50201914

July 13, 2012

A Lil Fun Before It Begins Again: Adventuring the Jungle of Concretes

It was freezing when I woke up this morning. Even my cellphone was very cold. I checked the time. 6 am.. I was shivering when I turned on the phone again after some times and checked the temperature. 2 degrees. 2 DEGREES CELCIUS. "My, no wonder it's cold here."

I walked slowly and sat in front of my laptop and turned it on. Today I planned to move my membership of my gym to the branch near here, buy extension cable, some tissues, and groceries. I was so busy browsing through the map for bus route when I realized my breath was foggy. It felt strange. I smiled.

My adventure started. With only guts and GPS in phone I went around the place, trying to draw virtual map in my mind so that by the time of my work I won't get lost or mistook the bus. After finishing my membership transfer, my friend called. We decided to hang out in the city for afternoon. We met in the town, had lunch, did stupid things like smacking each other with plush toys, laughed at it, and decided to went back afterwards.

I sat in the corner of the train, exchanging a look with a stranger in front of me. And a smile after. The train stopped. I moved to the bus that went straight back to my place. It was 3 already.

It was funny, because I never actually felt this alone. When I was in the town, the loneliness went very well with the circumstances. It was a quiet, laid back type of town. No horns, no traffic, much wind breeze, and somehow you could always hear or feel the ocean around you. Time flies slowly in the town. Two hours can be like forever. But in the middle of this jungle of cements and bricks, time flashes very fast. It was 9 when I walked out the room, and it's already 3 when I was on my back. In this jungle, I suddenly became the observer. I saw people with their own businesses, with their own conversations, with their own problems. In the middle of this jungle of bricks people lived in their own world. Time strangely flowed slowly for me still, while people around me seemingly lived in their own fast-forwarded time. In my eyes, their life became like a slide show, very quick that you couldn't enjoy any of them, but very fascinating with their glittery and glimpsing lights.

This whole day there were so so so many people I'd met, and every single one of them put an invisible curtain that gave them their own spaces.

The house was very much quiet when I got back. No one's home, I assumed. I walked back into my room, put everything, changed clothes, and sat silently, sipping my green tea I got from lunch leftover while staring at the cloudless sky above. A crow flew and perched itself in front of my window, it's eyes staring deeply to me, or maybe to my green tea (I believe it was the second one).

I smiled. "Welcome to the jungle."

July 08, 2012

Pembukaan Undang-Undang Dasar Negara Republik Indonesia Tahun 1945

UNDANG-UNDANG DASAR NEGARA REPUBLIK INDONESIA
TAHUN 1945
PEMBUKAAN
(Preambule)

Bahwa sesungguhnya Kemerdekaan itu ialah hak segala bangsa dan oleh sebab itu, maka penjajahan di atas dunia harus dihapuskan, karena tidak sesuai dengan peri-kemanusiaan dan peri-keadilan.

Dan perjuangan pergerakan kemerdekaan Indonesia telah sampailah kepada saat yang berbahagia dengan selamat sentausa mengantarkan rakyat Indonesia ke depan pintu gerbang kemerdekaan Negara Indonesia, yang merdeka, bersatu, berdaulat, adil dan makmur.

Atas berkat rakhmat Allah Yang Maha Kuasa dan dengan didorongkan oleh keinginan luhur, supaya berkehidupan kebangsaan yang bebas, maka rakyat Indonesia menyatakan dengan ini kemerdekaannya.

Kemudian daripada itu untuk membentuk suatu Pemerintah Negara Indonesia yang melindungi segenap bangsa Indonesia dan seluruh tumpah darah Indonesia dan untuk memajukan kesejahteraan umum, mencerdaskan kehidupan bangsa, dan ikut melaksanakan ketertiban dunia yang berdasarkan kemerdekaan, perdamaian abadi dan keadilan sosial, maka disusunlah Kemerdekaan Kebangsaan Indonesia itu dalam suatu Undang Undang Dasar Negara Indonesia, yang terbentuk dalam suatu susunan Negara Republik Indonesia yang berkedaulatan rakyat dengan berdasarkan kepada Ketuhanan Yang Maha Esa, Kemanusiaan yang adil dan beradab, Persatuan Indonesia dan Kerakyatan yang dipimpin oleh hikmat kebijaksanaan dalam Permusyawatan/Perwakilan, serta dengan mewujudkan suatu Keadilan Sosial bagi seluruh rakyat Indonesia.

Just Something That Crossed My Mind When I Wake Up Today

I hope I did it right, I never study Theology before. :| 

For me, religion is a concept to help us to find the TRUTH.

Before we became what we are now, our ancestor might be wandering around the earth, building settlements, continuing life, all monotonous. However, as a creature with critical thinking, we come to question things around us, about who we are, why we are here, what is our purpose. From those questions and our basic logic, we knew that there is something that starts everything. In the process to find THAT something, we come to believe, based on our ideal image of ourselves or through stories that came from the person who had personally spoke to the Thing (as most religion had said), the Thing has an intelligence and power far beyond us (who wants to be rule by lame worm that can die with one smack?).

Then we started to give the Thing a personality. Some aspects that makes it easier to help us identify. In the process of somehow making the Deity happy, and not upset and then wipe us out from the land, it is necessary to change people's way of life into following what is ideal and "pleasing" for the Deity. Since people ideally will obey something stronger than they are, so some people established, coming originally from the Deity itself or might be fabricated, set of commands called RULES. Rules can be spoken with words, spread through teachings and seminars, written in tablets, compiled into books, given to people so that everybody in that particular society would knew the RULES. People can not go against, question, or even think about bending a bit of the rules, because doubting the rules means violating the absolute power of the Deity. These rules were first set to preserve Humanity, Equality and Security in that enclosed society. It is easier to maintain many people into one single way by telling them that the mightiest ruler of the Universe tells you not to do this and must do that. And from that, a RELIGION was born.

With deities to worship and rules to be followed, religions grew and differed like animals would evolved, readjusting to the geographical areas and form. From worshiping phenomenon like eclipses, thunder, nature, big trees, or worshiping ancestors that passed away, spiritual guides, then worshiping different deities with different purposes, different gods with different area of cover, and finally worshiping one deity with multiple purposes as we all have now. Some religions are very "savage", sacrificing animals or human, while others are very "civilized", building beautiful shrines and temples. All to please the Deity they are worshiping. Religions become very strong through hundreds of years, and in many places it so inseparable that it becomes the foundation of the life in the different societies.

However, as society grew bigger with more and more complex problems that is too flexible to be handled by strict and old-fashioned rules, and even mixing with other societies with different "rules", eventually these rules become too great that it surpassed the importance of Humanity, Equality, and Security. Rules, no matter how outdated or hilarious it might sound, could not be flexible, because flexibility means un-strong. And rules that are not strong will not be obeyed by people.

So there you are. We have people killing each other, in the particular society or outside, because it is allowed to do that. We got one religion eliminate others. We got countries at war because they believe in different deities. From Humanity, Equality, and Security, it's disgraceful and disgusting. From religion rules, it can still be acceptable.

When we are too busy fighting others, we forget the initial purpose of establishing religion: To find The TRUTH. We are busy maintaining the rules and eliminating everyone on its path, and forget that every single thing there is set to help us find the ANSWER. The TRUTH.

And in the end, we are still bunch of savage creatures after all..

-Adi Wicaksono, just a person who likes to question a lot-

July 07, 2012

Another Thought(s) of Me, You, and Us In This Saturday Morning

I woke up today with a bit of hangover. I wasn't drinking the other night, I just couldn't sleep well. This queen-sized bed didn't really help in terms of comfort, after all. I felt my blanket, hugging some part of it while leaning myself on the wall, staring blankly in the dark. Somehow,  I imagined you were sleeping next to me.

Winter is here finally. Morning becomes longer and colder, making it difficult to leave the bed. I turned the lights on, then lied my head on the pillow again. Unconsciously my hand reached an empty side next to me. Maybe you might be there, magically teleporting yourself from your warm Summer here, in my winter. But my arm touched nothing but a freezing air.

I packed my bags, ready for another gym today. As I walked pass the kitchen, I saw my suitcases lined up neatly in the living room. I'll be leaving soon. I decided to sit on the couch, throwing my eyes to the ocean on the window, silently enjoying it. Your voice from depths of my thoughts slowly creeping back, filling the empty house I'll be leaving soon. Thinking back in those days when I was late for work, and you voluntarily offered me help in preparing my work clothes everyday so that I wouldn't have to jump around with one feet in sock like kangaroo looking for my other half sock.

But then that moment came across. The moment that hurt my heart so, the moment when I was physically and mentally weak, the moment when I couldn't bear it anymore. Thinking of you with some other guy that time made me..

Ah, forget it. It's over. I shouldn't let the sadness crept in. I smiled, and decided to went exercising.

Winter air cuddled my loneliness away during my walk in town. The sea, the birds, the people.. I wish you were here to enjoy all this with me. We could watch movie together, snuggling in the back seat, maybe having a kiss or two if no one's watching. I could show you the lighthouse, the gift shop, the park, or maybe we can just hold hands together. That could be sweet, if it came through. But again, I sighed myself back to reality.

I walked down the supermarket aisle, picking food. Remember when we talked through phone, pretending I'm shopping for us? Every time I walked the same aisle, I couldn't help but smile, especially when I pass through aisle where your favorite movie characters are displayed. I couldn't help but to touch it again, thinking that you might be happy if I gave you these. But that thoughts quickly faded into reality. I put it back to where it belonged, and left the aisle.

Then my phone rang. It's my teacher and her family. She wanted to take me to one of the local resorts for farewell party. I said yes, and off we go five minutes later. The thoughts of you disappeared for some hours, until they drop me back home. I put my bag in the house, then wore pair of thongs out to the beach across the road.

I stood silently, staring blankly through the ocean. The writing I wrote months ago had been washed away by the cold wave. Our love too, I suppose.

Do you still think of me in your Summer like I did this whole Winter? Do you feel the same pain and lost in your happiness like I did in my loneliness? Do you sometimes paused a bit in your life just to wish I am there like I did to you?


I didn't expect you to understand, though. You might just come with your arguments and we might ended up in fight as always. I just want you to know that I have forgiven you. I have forgiven myself. I have forgiven us.

I took off my thongs and decided to let the wave cuddled my toes. And...

Freezing! I LOVE BEACH IN SUNSET!

July 04, 2012

The Wound That Stays Still

Someone asked me this question some times ago, related to my post about heart-beat previously. "What about the wound that stays green? What about the feeling that stays there, as if we WANT it to stay there?"

I watched a DVD titled "What a bleep Do We Know?" that explains to us about how we actually crave for negative emotions. Through some sort of chemical reaction, body creates some sort of drugs that will make us got addicted to the feelings we are feeling, both sadness and happiness. So probably that is why the wounds are green, because we are, biologically, want it to stay there. The sad feeling is addictive, and we are unconsciously maintaining the feeling, like it or not, by trying to keep it inside, refusing to realize that it's no longer there, or by trying to repeat the process. In extreme cases, maybe this is why there are people who are even have the tendency to hurt themselves to get the pleasure, the S & M groups. But correct me if I am wrong, becaue I have no authentic proof to support the link between emotion-addiction to BDSM activities.

So how to let it go? It's there, it's ridiculously addictive, and there seems to be no way to let go. Well, there is. It's called Letting Go. Letting go means surrender, giving up, stop-look-listen to your heart. There are some times when people seem to refuse to believe that it's over. There are people who refuse to accept defeat. There are those who keep fighting and fighting for nothing. Having a great spirit is good, don't get me wrong, but sometimes we need to realize that we sometimes can not get everything that we want. Sometimes, it's not meant for us. Sometimes, it's not our path. And by realizing that, we have done the first step of letting go, which is confessing that you are still clinging to it.

After the realization, comes the revelation. Slowly we would give up to reality, moving on, and start anew. Maybe the wounds are a bit painful still. But that's wounds are all about - pain. So toughen up, stop if you feel tired, and move forward again when you are ready. :)

I, myself, is still trying to move on from you.