Peut-ĂȘtre nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-ĂȘtre c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

The Owner's Bio

My photo
Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

December 26, 2013

The Empty Chair

I decided to go to the gym today, regardless of my after-recovery condition from flu and my sister's demand to join them to go for a quick vacation downtown. It's a bit too much for me with all of the crowds and people around. I need to recharge myself again with solidity.

I took my laptop with me to do some homework from my French class. It's quite strange to see the gym almost empty after being trapped in a traffic full of visitors outside the city trying to enjoy their year-end vacation here. Nevertheless, the gym went well. I only felt a slight drowsiness due to the recovery. After gym, I decided to go across the road to have a cup of hot tea and a portion of internet. The cafe was also empty, fortunately. I took my seat at the corner of the second floor, by the window, and enjoyed my hot tea while doing some homework.

Once in awhile, I looked out at the window, staring at the clouds drifting away by the wind. My mind floated away, recalling old memories with my mates while I was in my old town. We used to gather and talk after work till very late at nite. I kinda miss them now.

Then I looked at the chair in front of me. It was empty.

I somewhat felt bitterness and joy staring at that empty chair. The life of non string attached and solidity that I had chosen was okay, but it might have taken the toll out of me. I've had enough of exes that didn't fit the chair and eventually had to leave. I was so tired of seeing an unfit person sitting in front of me that I decided to put my bag on it, stopping others to try their luck.

 Yet meaningless strings also tiring and boring. Somehow, I wished for a person to fill that spot again. Somehow I wish someone can just take the bag and sit on the chair, smiling, and accompanies me whole nite long, talking about music, philosophy, history, sport, arts... whatever. I just wish someone could just sit there and surprise me with whatever they have.

But then I locked that thoughts away. I couldn't afford to hurt and be hurt again. The trial is over. The fun is done. I was too scared of needing a person just because I was lonely, not because I needed company. I didn't want to force it anymore.

So I returned to my homework and job, trying to rid the loneliness away at the corner by the window, with an empty chair accompanying me through the lazy afternoon.

Then suddenly someone lifted the bag and sat on the chair with a smile that somewhat sent a strange message within.

"Hey! Mind if I join in?"

December 02, 2013

The Wall

When we were born, we were bare. No clothes covered us. No blanket protected us. We were born bare and exposed, vulnerable yet ready to let the world around gave us the lesson of life. As time goes by, we were given clothes to protect us from the fierceful weather. We covered our body with armor to hide our weakness. And as we did to our body, we then decided to protect our hearts as well.

However, we didn't put put clothes or armor to protect our hearts, our feelings. Instead, we built a wall. A wall so thick and powerful that nobody could come through. We were too scared of being hurt that we put the walls around. We wouldn't let anyone in because we knew that person would possibly hurt our vulnerable heart inside. We were comfortable with our walls that we forgot that there are others outside the wall. Yet since everybody was so scared of letting others in, everybody started to build walls as well. Having a wall became a necessity to survive the world. And soon, no one could feel others. They could only feel the cold walls others had built in front of them.

However, naturally mankind needed to be understood. Their hearts craved for a warm touch from other hearts. Thus, occasionally some people decided to step out of the wall, just a little bit. They try to hold hands, or feel at each other's pulsing beat. Some were too scared of going out, yet continuously shouted from inside the walls, begging to be rescued. Some that were too scared as well decided to stay quiet and let themselves trapped forever in their walls.

***

I was standing among these towering walls. I forgot where my walls had gone. All I know was that I was standing with nothing protected me and these thick "buildings" among me. My heart, hanging loose on my neck by a silver chain, beat slowly.

My hands touched each of the wall, feeling the weak pulse of the hearts inside. My heart cried a bit, knowing that I couldn't reach them and instead, rubbing my hands against their walls. As I looked away, I saw other walls around me. It felt hurt. They might have decided to locked themselves away in their walls. Others might not know what to do, and decided to build walls as well. Others might be like me, feeling sad and lost among these walls and decided to lock themselves as well in their walls.

I stopped and stare at a wall. It was warm. It was lovely. I touched it and tried to talk to it. It responded in a pulse I didn't really know, but somewhat familiar. My heart beat faster as the warmth slowly crept in.

"Hey, can I talk to you?"

The wall opened up a bit and showed a beautiful figure inside that smiled back at me. We talked that day, all through the night. We smiled, we made jokes, we hold hands. Our hearts were slowly synchronized. The smile that I saw, the lips that I felt, the figure that I embraced..

I slowly tried to touch that beautiful heart that beat in front of me, but suddenly the walls protruded sharp thorns that slit my hands. I fell. My hands were bleeding. Those eyes.. They cried.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry.. I'm too scared...".

"No.. No... NO! Please no!"

The wall was slowly closed right in front of me. Only a tower with a thorny brick wall left.

My heart bleed, my eyes were teary in blood.

***

The night was so cold, and here I was, lying down in a blood red wall. I couldn't stop crying ever since. It was long time ago, during the days I no longer could remember. I was there, laying in my wall. I was lonely and in pain. My heart that had stopped beating.

Until one day, my heart started pulsing again. I woke up and heard something outside my wall. A beautiful voice from outside echoed in.

"Hey, can I talk to you?"

November 06, 2013

I'm (Not) Ready.

It was late at night when I decided to text you. While listening to my old jazz music, I tried to tell you what I was thinking about the whole day. We started with some stupid convos, then I finally said it.

"I dun think it'll work out."

Out of billions of words I can create, I chose to use that blunt, straight-to-the-point sentence.

"I also think the same way."

I was a bit surprised. So it wasn't just me.

"Yeah. I cudn't catch up with what you want, especially with my own luggages and my problems."

"Yeah, in some aspects, we are completely in a different page."

"I know."

***

I can't do it again.
There has been so many disappointments and pain. I tried and kept falling. I'm just too scared to try once more; I couldn't even try to work it out. I just stood there and see it withered and died.

I am not ready for the drama. I just couldn't afford the mental and physical sacrifice I should give. There's just too many future responsibilities that comes with the relationship that turns me off straight away.So I decided to stop it.

In the end, I spent another night enjoying my life alone. With all that has happened, I can't help but beating myself up and keep thinking that it was my fault. If only I could be bolder. If only I could be less selfish. If only I could give it a go.. If only I could. Yet I couldn't.

September 15, 2013

Masih

It's been a long time since I last wrote my Indonesian post. Anyway, here it is!

...

Masih.

Paris, 2013.

Pandu duduk di depan laptopnya. Segelas coklat panas ikut menemaninya mengerjakan tugas kuliah yang cukup menyita perhatiannya beberapa minggu belakangan. Di luar, salju turun perlahan. Warna putihnya membingkai mesra jendela apartemennya di ujung kamar. Di kejauhan, menara Eiffel terlihat berselimut putih dalam dinginnya siang kelabu di musim dingin Eropa.

Pandu menghela nafas. Pandangannya melayang ke sudut ruangan, mencoba mengusir lelah karena bekerja di depan layar selama berjam-jam.

Kemudian Pandu berdiri. Sembari meregangkan tubuhnya, ia berjalan menghampiri jendela putih di sudut ruangan. Ia duduk di tempat tidur di sebelahnya sembari menatap hujan salju tipis yang berjatuhan perlahan. Di atas tempat tidurnya ia melihat sebuah foto tertempel di papan styrofoam. Fotonya dan seorang wanita. Kalung kupu-kupu dari perak yang menghias leher wanita itu menarik perhatiannya sejenak. Perlahan rasa sesak mengalir memenuhi dada.

Dalam heningnya, Pandu lalu kembali ke mejanya, duduk, lalu meminum coklat panasnya sedikit.

***

Denpasar, 2013

Seorang gadis kecil tergolek lemah dengan darah dan luka-luka diatas tandu yang didorong dengan cepat menuju ruang gawat darurat. Seorang pria dengan raut muka khawatir ikut berlari mengikuti tandu tersebut. Pintu tertutup begitu tandu itu masuk. Pria itu berdiri tertegun di depan lorong.

Setelah agak lama, seorang dokter keluar dari ruangan dan menghampiri pria itu. Ia tersenyum manis, agak kontras dengan noda darah di tangannya. "Selamat Siang Pak. Bapak ada hubungan kerabat dengan pasien?"

Pria itu berdiri dengan agak takut. "Siang, Dok. saya papanya. Gimana Sasha, Dok? Sudah siuman?"

"Belum. Masih belum siuman. Tapi masa kritisnya sudah selesai kok. Tidak ada yang parah, cuma patah tulang dan trauma psikologis saja. Sasha masih belum bisa dibesuk dulu, bapak nanti silahkan mengurus administrasi dan lain-lainnya di depan ya Pak?"

"I-iya Bu. Umm, Bu Dokter? Terima kasih ya Bu...".

Dokter itu tersenyum. "Sama-sama Pak."

***

Jakarta, 2005.

Pandu tak dapat berhenti menatap sosok itu. Gadis berambut hitam panjang sebahu yang duduk di bawah pohon taman kampus dengan buku-buku di pangkuannya begitu menyihir hati dan rasa penasarannya. Perlahan Pandu berjalan mendekati gadis misterius itu. Namun belum sempat Pandu menyapa, beberapa gadis lain menghampiri gadis itu, lalu mereka beranjak pergi.

Pandu begitu kecewa. Ia hanya bisa duduk di tempat di mana gadis itu tadinya duduk. Bau wangi parfumnya masih terasa segar. Ia merasa begitu sial hari itu.

Tanpa sadar ia menyenggol sesuatu yang ada di sebelahnya. sebuah buku putih. Pandu mengambil buku tersebut dan membuka halaman pertamanya.

Milik Karina!! Jika menemukan tolong hubungi 08122356998

;*

Pandu tersenyum. Mungkin hari ini tidak akan begitu sial baginya.

***

Jakarta, 2010.

"Mungkin memang sudah saatnya," ujar Pandu lemah. Tubuhnya yang terselimut sweater abu-abu terlihat tak berdaya di depan Karina. Karina hanya memandangnya tanpa suara.

"Aku yakin.. Aku yakin Sano bisa bahagiain kamu lebih dari aku."

Karina menghela nafas. Ia lalu berdiri meninggalkan Pandu yang termenung diam.

Pandu hanya bisa menatapnya lemah.

***

Pandu menikmati bulan purnama yang menggelayut mesra di sebelah menara Eiffel dari jendelanya. Hatinya kembali sesak dengan kenangan dari gadis berkalung kupu-kupu perak itu. Segelas coklat panas kembali habis ia minum. Tubuhnya kembali hangat, namun hatinya masih terasa begitu menggigil.

"Karina..".

Di ujung dunia, Karina baru saja selesai dengan shift jaga rumah sakitnya. Sembari mencuci tangan ia menatap bulan purnama yang terlihat manja menyinari langit dari jendela. Tiba-tiba bayang seorang pria yang telah lama ia kubur dalam muncul. Rasa sakit dan rindu menyatu kental bagai darah yang tadi mengotori sarung tangannya. Ia menghela nafas.

Ketika ia sibuk mengenakan lagi kalung kupu-kupu perak yang ia lepas selama shift, sebuah bunyi diiringi getar sayup-sayup terdengar. Segera Karina menghampiri dompetnya di atas kursi dan mengambil telepon genggamnya.

Papa Sano
Calling..


"Iya? Halo Pa?"


September 04, 2013

Love So Far

Many heartbreaks and pain I have experienced. Many disappointment, many regrets.. I couldn't see love like what I used to see.

Love was beautiful back then; falling in love at the first sight, going out together with no plans in hand, silly laughs in the middle of the night while enjoying those artificial lights glimpsing away as we ride our car.. Love used to be so simple and cute.

It changed slowly.

It's all about sex. Or money. Or whatever demands that are no longer sweet and romantic. It is now easier to break up and give up. It is now okay not to talk for days, drowning in self. It is acceptable to cheat when it's impossible to get what you want from your current lovers. It is now harder to open up and let your heart shown. It is now difficult to be honest with your feelings. It is now different.

Yet, I still have faith in love. Silly, I know. Seeing people around me can survive the ordeals gives me faith. Looking at their smile, their determined relationship, their ability to understand each other, their strength to rebuild whatever it is that is broken, their effort to cherish the memories of togetherness.. Those keep me pushing onwards.

Call me hopeless romantic for I might be. Think of me as a pathetic living in a fairy tale because I could be. Yet, no matter how impossible it is. I believe that someday, somehow, I can make it.

Because unlike those, I believe this isn't a fairy tale.

July 29, 2013

Goo Goo Dolls - Before It's Too Late (Ost. Transformer)

I wander through fiction to look for the truth,
Buried beneath all the lies..
And I stood at a distance, to feel who you are,
Hiding myself in your eyes...

And hold on before it's too late..
We'll run till we leave this behind..
Don't fall just be who you are;
It's all that we need in our lives..

And the risk that might break you is the one that would save,
A life you don't live is still lost..
So stand on the edge with me, hold back your fear and see,
Nothing is real 'til it's gone..

And hold on before it's too late..
We'll run till we leave this behind..
Don't fall just be who you are;
It's all that we need in our lives..

So live like you mean it,
Love 'til you feel it,
It's all that we need in our lives..
So stand on the edge with me,
Hold back your fear and see,
Nothing is real 'til it's gone..

And hold on before it's too late..
We'll run till we leave this behind..
Don't fall just be who you are;
It's all that we need in our lives..

And hold on before it's too late..
We'll run till we leave this behind..
Don't fall just be who you are;
It's all that we need in our lives..

It's all that we need in our lives,
It's all that we need in our lives..

It's all that I need in my life..


July 20, 2013

My Quarter Century

Another year has passed..

It's funny how time slowly walks with or without you noticing.
It's funny how life goes on.
It's funny. Maybe that's why I laughed.

Thank you for the abundance of time and love given. Thank you.

:)


July 18, 2013

Lots And Lots Of Maybe.

Maybe it's hard find someone who can understand you and can accept the way you are truly, so you don't need to pretend anymore. You become who you are, you are loved because of it.

Maybe it's the reason why it's so difficult to let go of that person when it's time to let go. It seems like you will lose your precious gem, your only life and soul.

But maybe he or she doesn't really understand you. Maybe he or she PRETEND to understand you. Or maybe he or she does understand you, but you don't understand him or her in return, which will be unfair for him or her.

Maybe you both are simply not meant to be. Maybe being connected body and soul is not enough to maintain relationship. Maybe he or she is cheating on you. Or maybe you just feel bored to him or her.

Maybe he or she doesn't love you as much as you do to him or her. Or maybe it's the other way around. Maybe he or she is tired with all of your whining. Or maybe you are just too tired in handling his or her personality.

Maybe he or she doesn't try hard enough. Or maybe you tried too hard. Maybe you haven't realized that no matter how hard you tried, if he or she isn't meant for you, then it just won't happen.

Maybe it will be easier if in the end you can understand that.

Maybe I'm scared of losing you. Maybe it's just my immune system responding to what had just happened.

Maybe someday we'll understand each other. Or maybe not.

Maybe.


July 10, 2013

Sepotong Resah Kemarin Malam.

. . . . .

Udara dingin menusuk. Api lilin di pangkuanku menari liar kesetanan dihembus angin. Aku terdiam mendengar nada sambung berbunyi.. Kemudian nada sibuk menghampiri. Sudah tiga kali.

Aku capek. Kutatap lagi layar telepon selulerku.

"Halo?"

"Halo. Lagi dimana?"

"Di rumah. Kamu di?"

"Di taman deket kolam kemarenan. Sendirian."

"Oh, di situ. Ngapain? Kaya orang bego."

"Hari ini ulang tahunnya. Mau ditelpon sih. Udah nyiapin kue segala buat difotoin. Nyiapin lagu buat dinyanyiin."

"Dan?"

"Seperti biasa. Dia ga jawab."

"Sibuk kali."

"Selalu? Udah cukup kaya gini terus. Sejak Juni dia menjauh. Awalnya karena kerjaan. Lama-lama..".

Kami terdiam sejenak. Kemarin aku dan temanku ke tempat ini, menikmati puluhan teratai merah jambu yang mengambang damai di kolam hitam yang memantulkan cahaya lampu kota dengan begitu mesranya. Di sinilah aku merenung tentang banyak hal. Termasuk tentang kamu.

"Terus gimana?"

"I left a voicenote. Aku memutuskan untuk berhenti. Aku lelah harus seakan menjadi yang terlihat begitu sayang. Aku capek terus-terusan terlihat bodoh karena berteriak-teriak dan membanggakan orang yang tak memberikan hal yang sama."

"Jadi penjajakan kalian berakhir?"

"Aku bilang kalau semua terserah dia. Aku ikuti saranmu. Aku hanya akan diam dan menikmati hidupku, seperti dia menikmati kesibukannya. Maksudku, aku selalu bisa menyempatkan waktuku untuk menghubungi dia. Selalu. Setiap hari. Aku kirim rekaman suaraku yang selalu mengatakan "aku sayang kamu" setiap hari."

"Aku tidak minta dia di sini. Aku cuma minta dia peduli. Aku cuma minta dia menunjukkan kalau dia peduli."

Aku termenung. Cukup lama sejak terakhir kali hatiku dibolak-balikkan seperti ini.

"Jika kemudian dia berubah, kamu mau apa?"

"Ga tau. Aku tidak berharap banyak. Aku tidak berharap sama sekali."

"Mungkin ini pembelajaran lain buatmu. Sejak kamu pulang dari luar negeri kamu jadi begitu keras. Begitu dingin. Mungkin ini adalah cara semesta membantu melembutkan kerasmu. Mencairkan dinginmu."

"Dengan memberikan sosok yang seperti itu?"

"Apa kamu menyesal sudah mengenalnya?"

Aku menghela nafas. "Menyesal? Jelas tidak. Dia adalah satu dari segelintir orang yang paham pola pikirku. Dia begitu mengerti. Dia begitu indah. Dia begitu..".

"Begitu?"

"Jauh. Dan selalu membuat seakan hatinya terlindungi oleh sesuatu yang membuatnya tak dapat dirasakan atau disentuh."

"You'll be alright."

"I know. I just need to know that I'm doing the right thing. Am I?"

"Ga ada yang salah. Dia tidak peka dan kamu sedang butuh dukungan di saat-saat ini. Kalian cuma tidak cocok."

"Butuh waktu begitu lama untuk memikirkan ini. Begitu berat memilih untuk mengikhlaskan dia atau untuk tetap memegangnya."

"Sampai di saat dia berkata bahwa bagi dia kehilangan kamu itu tak apa."

"Ya. Sampai saat itu."

Kami kembali terdiam. Deru beberapa motor melintas memecah sunyi. Api lilin di pangkuanku telah sejak tadi mati.

"Aku takut," kataku tiba-tiba. "Aku takut jika ternyata selama ini semuanya semu."

"Jika kamu melakukan apa yang menurut hatimu benar, maka itulah kebenaran adanya."

Aku menghela nafas. "Thank's ya! Aku mau pulang. Dah dingin banget."

"Oke. Semangat ya?"

"Sip!"

Klik.

Aku melangkah pergi dari bangku taman di depan kolam teratai merah jambu tempatku berpikir, menembus dingin yang pekat. Kue kecil dan lilin itu kutinggal bersama dengan harapan tinggiku akan kita nantinya di sana.

July 09, 2013

Three Steps To Find That Perfect Partner.

What is "perfect" for a partner? Rich, good-looking, understanding, caring, good in bed, romantic? Perfect can be anything from A to Z, yet you must ponder yourself to 3 things I am going to say:

FIRST:
Sadly, there will NEVER be that perfect partner.
Why is that? Because perfection is a very unmeasurable and impossible variable to be put onto a human being.
Face it, we are not perfect. People might see someone as having a perfect body, yet is that someone also having a perfect life? Perfect happiness? Perfect relationship? Perfect income? are you SURE that person has no problem? If yes is your answer, then how do you know? Have you asked that person? Have you lived in his/her shoes to feel what the person's feel?


SECOND:
Perfection comes from how we perceive it.
We see someone, or something, as perfect because it fits to our terms and condition. No matter how muscly a particular guy could be, a woman who dislike muscly guys will not choose him. It's all in your point of view.
Thus, this is the reason why in the name of love we embark to a journey to find the "perfect" partner. We are not trying to find the perfect one! We move on from one person to another coz each comes with a "flaw". We tend to select people based on how that individual can fulfill our prerequisites.

THIRD:
The only way to find perfection inside is by accepting the flaw and enjoying the rest.
That's the only way. Finding perfection will result in nothing. When you're ready to settle, you will naturally pick a flaw you can tolerate and embrace it. Accepting one's flaw and enjoying the rest is the key to find perfection.

However, when you are unsure on whether to accept a flaw or to let it go, try to think of the opposite. Would it be better if he/she is doing the opposite of the "flaw"?

Would it better if he/she is cheap instead of being a spender?
Would it be better if he/she is overly attached instead of emotionally unavailable?
Would it be better if that person is the other way around?

If in the end the flaw is unbearable for you to live for the rest of your life, then you might consider letting go to avoid further damage for both you and your potential life partner. Forcing something that will not stick together no matter what is useless physically, mentally, and emotionally.

If not, then the relationship is worth to fight for. :)

So.. What do you need? What can't you live without?

Choose. Accept. And enjoy. :)




July 02, 2013

Meh.

These days flew away slow and dreadfully. Regrets and frustration flourished deep in the cold walls of fear and uncertainty... Ah whatever! Can't really write much. Feeling very dry and stuck.

June 04, 2013

The Glimpse of Superficial Lights

We live just below the surface of this glimpse of superficial lights.

Stars are no longer falling from the sky; they crawl on the streets and honk on those who aren't quick enough. People chat, complain, bad-mouth, and drink champagne at the same time. They compliment and humiliate. They giggle so loud that it sounds so sad. The glittery silk of their gown and the sparkling gold jewelry around their body blind the sight of fear and worry. None of them are old with their masks of eye-lifts, liposuctions, or botox (it's all handled). Who cares if their souls rot? Who cares if they don't know the truth? Who cares if they don't care?

This is the glimpse of superficial lights. This is society.


May 09, 2013

In The Future Tense We (Dis)Trust.

This morning I let myself thought about something we all have thought of at least once: The Future. And unlike my usual emotionally-blank thoughts, I was thinking about the Future with fear.

Yes, I am scared of the future. Not that phobia-like fear, but more to the feeling of loosing the comfort in its uncertainty. Future is also something that we can not avoid. It's there, it's waiting for us with whatever it's going to give. No other options. No matter how hard we try to divert it, it keeps going and dragging us with it. And as what it does to everyone, it also drags me with it to an uncertainties where I should prepare myself to fight or to love whatever we might pass.

Then my brain, in the middle of this silent conversation as it always do, randomly accessed my language section files and found a related topic to it: Future tense.

In English grammar, Future tense is a form of a tense that is bound by the sense of time, in which it tells us about what happens in the specific time. In this case, the Future. In future tense, instead of simply putting Noun and Verb together, we need to put a set of words that we call Modals, which is a set of words such as Will, May, Must, Can, Have/Has/Had to, and so forth in between them.

Those words have different functions: Will asks about something that is going to happen, May asks about something that is allowed to happen, Can is related to how you have the ability to do or not to do something, Must tells you about your responsibility, while Have, Has, or Had to tells you that you have no other options besides doing and living on what is going to be there.

But if the future is uncertain, then why invent Will? If it's inevitable, then why we have Can? If there is no option, why do we include May? Who told you and give your responsibility with Must? I mean, at least why are we including them in Future tense?

Is it a subtle way to say that The Future, albeit unavoidable, can be altered? But how to alter something that haven't been there? What if avoiding yourself get stabbed by a knife means that you will not be able to visit a hospital, meeting your destined soul mate there, and finally having yourself married to someone you've been longing to? What if deciding not to go out driving in the middle of a storm to avoid car accident means you will have an earthquake that will smash you and eventually kill you?

Maybe... Maybe it's because you just have to do what you have to do. What you think you have to do. That is what is called as "altering the future". We don't actually altering it, we are trying to make it profitable to us, mentally, physically, financially, whatever it is. It is our nature to act preventive towards foreseen disasters. The disaster, the outcome.. They are all uncertain, yet at least we tried.

Still, The Future frightens me a bit.



April 25, 2013

Fly, Sister!

My "sister" left last night.

She's one of my best friends. We share lots of things together. It's kinda weird 'coz circumstances made us friends. She used to dislike me due to misconception, and I used to avoid her due to my misconception about her as well. And frankly, I didn't even remember how we can be close to begin with.

Nevertheless, we became friends, and then by mutual consensus, and by The Train's song, Soul Sister, we decided to be "soul-sibling"; siblings not bound by blood, but by soul.

We have a somewhat different mindset about the world with the rest of the people. We shared many philosophical point of views, we shared many funny stories about her boyfriend or about mine. We complaint about how poor and how rich we are. Sometimes she bought me gas when I ran out of it, in exchange of taking her to places with my motorbike.

Her knowledge and understanding helped me grow. She experienced many hardships in her life, yet she remains strong. I remembered the time when she cried over her problems while we are enjoying lunch though. At that time I didn't think that petty problem could make her cry. Yet she did. And I just realized something: She might look very strong, yet she was actually frail inside.

She helped me achieve my dream. Without her help, I won't be able to spend a full year in Perth in which I learned and grew stronger and stronger. And yet, she could also reach her dream herself. From her marriage, her trip, her struggle with life.. She did it all by herself.

Then, we got busy with our life. She with her marriage, and I with my job. Still, we try our best to keep in touch and share things like we use to do. And last night, she finally spread her wings and fly.

The night when she left, I decided not to meet her. I just texted her to say goodbye. I couldn't afford to cry in front of her. What a lame brother I am.

She's one of my best friends. She's my "soul-sister." And today she left, maybe forever, for her dream.

Good luck, my sister. May your dreams that you usually share with me come true.

April 07, 2013

Lost in The City Light

The rain stopped pouring slowly, leaving the dark grey asphalt colder with its dirty ponds. The lights above glimpsed slowly due to power down. They looked like stars above us, didn't they? Glimpsing and twinkling..

I sat there, enjoying the twinkles of these artificial lights in my loneliness. The streets are crowded with glimpses of yellows and reds, sometimes whites and greens too. They moved in unison, glaring their lights through the remnants of rain dews left here and there around the pavements and trees. They made noises too, yet for me it was all silent. They still smell bad though. The distinctive smell of Carbon monoxide being coughed out of their mufflers choked me a bit.

I then stood alone, watching those lights commuted back to where they belong: to houses, to apartments, to places each of them called home. Each light brings one or maybe more passengers back to their dwellings.

My mind began to wander itself again when I heard his familiar voice.

"What's up?"

I looked away. "Nothing."

Those cold hands touched my shoulders as I heard a whisper. "Why are you running away again?" he said.

I stood up, shrugging myself away from those hands and that whisper. "I wasn't running away! I was just..".

He smiled. "You're scared.. 'Cause you're in love."

"I won't call this premature attachment 'love'", I muttered. "This wasn't love. It's too soon to call it love."

He walked pass me and hugged me from behind, whispering again. "Are you sure? Why is it so difficult for you to say no this time?"

Again, I shrugged away and looked at his blind-folded eyes. "I like to observe, not to involve. Involvement will not make the result genuine. Life is a big laboratory for me to observe human behaviors, languages, and personalities. I may not involve, because..".

"Because you know once you ARE involved, your life will be affected. Your system will be disrupted. You could no longer have control in yourself. Right?"

I said nothing. I... I was always alone. Everyone that touched me within left. Everyone. I was just too tired to have another farewell party. That is why I consider attachments as a pain that needs to be vanquished. Therefore... I kept my distance from people around me. I interact with them, I smile with them, I help them.. But I never want to stay with them. Distance put me in a safe zone where none of them can affect my own little world of myself and my security. Distance will protect me from the impact. Distance is the reason why I'm here.

"Look at you," he said. "You're devastated. Damaged. Abused. By yourself. You want to play with them? Then why don't you do it? You said that things are not supposed to be complicated unless you make it so. You just make it complicated."

"You didn't know what I feel," I muttered. "You didn't know how it feels like to wait in vain for something that is most likely non-existent. I...".

"I am you. Have you forgotten?"

He stood in front of me as I slowly looked at him. He didn't look like me. He's more defined, taller, and maybe more attractive. Yet he is me. He comes from me, and he will stay with me forever.

"Still, your existence is questionable. Only me who can see you. And some other friends.."

He laughed sarcastically. "At least I am cooler than your other... Pathetic imaginary friends."

I smiled. Compare to him, my other friends are nothing. They are different after all. My old friends are the products of my imagination, while you are..

"Look," he said, "I don't know if it is love or merely a rebound. Maybe you still have some unfinished business, maybe you're using this newcomer as your rebound, maybe you ARE in love instead.. It doesn't matter. What matters is, in the end, YOU should choose. No matter who will it be, or maybe not any of them, you still have to make a choice. I know you won't like it, but this is how life works. It's easier to be truthful to yourself and to  everyone."

I sighed. I know what to do. I just... ran away.

"Thanks."

"Anytime."

And as he slowly faded with the lights that passed, I took my steps and walked away. City lights blinded the sky into darkness with its artificial lights. Then as I entered my garden, I looked up and saw.

This evening... I could see the true lights hanging on the limitless dark sky.

Thank you.


March 04, 2013

Look. Thanks.

Thanks. For finally drawing the line.
Thanks for finally ending our meaningless efforts to keep the connection going.
Thanks for removing me out of your life with such sweet innocent way.
Thanks for dating someone else so that I know how far will you go in waiting.
Thanks for letting me know in advance so I won't spend my days daydreaming anymore.
Thanks for giving me tough lessons of love and life, a very tough one.
Thanks for teaching me the meaning of dreams and reality in the most meaningful way.
Thanks for fueling my soul these past few months and giving me enough strength to dream a dream.
Albeit an unfulfilled one.

Look. I'm not mad. Or sad. I was just too confused to respond to it. OK maybe I'm a bit sad.
But smile! And enjoy your path. We deserve to be happy, and it's your turn now.

Ow! And thanks, for saying thank you after you did that.

February 24, 2013

Falling In Love (Not) With You.

That night I was sitting with my friend in a quiet place, talking about things and sharing our baggages. We discussed so many things and shared so many stuff. Though I hesitated, I decided to tell her my current problem.

"I feel bored with being in a relationship with anyone."

She looked at me. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm bored. Ever since I went back here, no one can actually trigger the tingling sensation of dating and the feeling of excitement that I used to feel. They always come and go. Those bunch of people who craved for attention and asked to be treated like they are married to us already. I'm sick of it."

"Not because they are locals?"

"No way! Well, I never said I only date Caucasians. It's just that I like the way they handle relationship. Fair and square. Not treating someone more or less then the previous agreement. We deal with our problems ourselves, we don't cling too much to each other, no nonsense "I love you" on a first date coz we mean it when we say it.. I'm tired of dating people who don't know what they are doing. I used to think that I'm weird for wishing for something different. But then I knew that my wish is just something normal."

I grabbed my bottle and drank a bit. "This evening, there are three people saying that they like me already. After at least 3 hours of online talking. THREE HOURS. ON. LINE. How the hell can they fall in love with me when they haven't actually met me already? Silly, right?"

In silence she lit her cigarette, then said, "well, that's the turning point. You dated too many people in what you call "immature relationship" already. It's called growing up. You start to crave for something more, something different. apparently you found the suitable type of romance you are looking for while you were there. Thus, when you return here and start encountering the same undesirable style of relationship here, you feel sick of it. It's just normal."

I nodded in silence. I agreed with her.

"Or maybe... You fall in love with the last person you dated before you leave."

Her statement shocked me deep. Am I? Am I actually in love with that person?

But I never think of us again ever since. It's like departing with friend. We walked, we hold hands, we enjoy a glass of wine or two, cuddled in slow jazz music.. But that's just about it. We never actually fall in love. That's the agreement. We don't fall in love.

Do we?

Her words haunted my thoughts for days. Am I really in love? But I never feel jealous on insecure when we are apart. We have made an agreement the moment we met. We are friends in romantic terms. No strings, no bonds. Just two people with physical and emotional needs that can be fulfilled by the other.

We are still in touch up to now through emails. We talk about things and stuff. We even share our "failed" dates after my departures. And no jealousy there.

***

Last evening I met my friend again. We talked about different things, as always. Then I just said it.

"I think.. I fell in love with the way we used to be."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I never actually think about that person. I was just in love with the way we date. A grown-up and serious type of dating. Not just fling around, flirt around, to chase or be chased, to say love when you don't really mean it, know nothing about how to date yet still trying to do it. I really am sick with that. And apparently I was lucky enough to meet someone who shares the same idea of dating. And even luckier, we dated. Maybe that's why. But it's not that person that I want. It's the relationship I used to know that I crave again."

"Okay.. So you DO not fall in love with the person. But you do know that culturally, you will not find that kind of person here that easily right? Compromising with the current style can be frustrating, but it's never wrong. If you really need to be in relationship, that is. Yet it's never wrong to stop fooling around as well."

I drank my water, then I smiled. "I have had more that enough. It's my time to rest myself from juggling with people's heart. With my heart. But at least now I know, the problem is not because of me craving for the type of dating. It's just that I finally know the reason why I lost interest in relationship. It's kind of relieving."

"Well, at least you sound like an old man now." She giggled.

"Oh shut up! Like you don't feel the same anyway!"

February 07, 2013

A Fading Heartbeat.

I woke up this morning with emptiness. The air was cold and humid. My body reacted pretty "well"; I coughed several times trying to spit out some mucus out.

I stretched up a bit then looked around. An empty room, all white. Just a lil brown cupboard and light blue desk by the brown door. I walked and opened the door, letting some different more colors come into the picture. I stared at those different colors and things called scenery quietly as I recollected my pieces of consciousness, trying to remember things I must do today. Then you came across my mind. But then you're went away, and honestly, It left me confused.

We spent beautiful times back in Perth. We enjoyed the same Jazz music, laughed at the same sarcastic jokes. You have a gorgeous grey eyes, and you said my brown ones are also beautiful. I never stop complimenting how beautiful and cute you were, and you also couldn't stop craving for mine. We ate dinner together, I joined you shopping, you showed me different parts of the city.. You told me your dreams, and I showed you mine. We had laid our cards on the table, letting the other to see what's in us. And.. we promised that someday, we will meet again.

The memory was beautiful and I thought I was in love. I kept thinking about it, you and the feelings that grew strong as I left.

But why is it fading now? Like a beautiful red rose whose color slowly turned pale. An ugly corpse of a flower with some signs of fading and disintegrating in some parts. Like a falling petals of a dying rose, my feelings on you slowly fading away every day we stop seeing each other, crumbling away into dust. We tried talking and sharing our life through electronic mails, but we both slowly wrote less and less in every replies. I couldn't feel the urge to miss you any longer, and you also had slowly went away with your life. We tried desperately to keep the bond, to treasure it.. But as time goes by, I couldn't find the value of our memories any longer.

You sent me email the other day, telling me about your life and how you got upset when you had a date that didn't really go out that well the other night. And I felt nothing. No jealousy. No anger. No fear of losing. Instead I also shared some stories of how disappointed I was by people's attitude here in dating.

I didn't know how to react. Should I be upset? Or happy? Does it make me a bad guy? Or is it a good thing? I felt.. Nothing.

***

I took a deep breath while preparing myself for the day. I slowly watched you and the memories of you withered away in my sea of soul. I couldn't help it.

It is.. dead.


February 03, 2013

The Arcana - 0. The Fool

"The moment man devoured The Fruit of Knowledge, he sealed his fate. Entrusting his future to the cards, man clings to the dim hope. Yes, the Arcana is the means by which all is revealed."

The Fool

Dancing in happiness, waltzing in ignorance. He who knew no fear for he had no knowledge of one cruising through the road of uncertainty. The man sang, danced, celebrated his purposeless journey with joy and happiness with his faithful dog behind him.

He is by no means a simply fool. He just did not know yet. He was ready for everything, because he did not know what he was meant to be ready for. He put his life in the hands of the Fate, leaving everything in the eyes of Destiny.

As he walked by in ignorance, he stepped through a narrow bridge, with only bottomless ravines on his left and right. He, however, did not see it. He kept walking and walking, singing and dancing, enjoying the ignorance. The dog that followed the man, however, was his warning, ready to bite the ignorance away should it be needed to happen.

The journey is a step away from all of our comfort. To choose the pilgrimage means to leave the comfortness and leeting your insecurities and alertness leads the way. It is to surrender to the spontanity and the odds of nature. To let go of the illusion of control means to be free. To live.

And thus, the man and his dog continued cruising into the path of uncertainty, ready to see, ready to learn everything that came on their way. He walked bravely, no fears or doubts. He wasn't afraid of losing since he had nothing to lose.

http://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Man-on-a-Journey.jpg

January 16, 2013

Maroon 5 - Daylight. (My Last Australian Daylight)

"Ketika kamu yakin dan telah fokus dengan tujuan hidupmu, segala hal lain disekitarmu jadi tak akan begitu penting lagi."

I remember these months before January last year. I was just a regular tutor, teaching kids high hopes and wishes to study overseas with their English. Every time I heard them dreaming, I pamper their worries, I strengthen their resolves. And every time they flew away in the end, deep inside I wish that someday, somehow, I could taste the same expensive dream as well.

And my dream came true. Exactly on July 2011, out of my curiosity and gambling, I nailed the job vacancy that opened my whole new adventure.

I have learnt love and pain. I learnt how to fight and how to surrender. I learnt how to hate and love myself. I learnt how to grow up and stay young. I learnt many things.

And now, as my plane flies by leaving the Land of Summer Paradise, I will always hold the dreams and strength, knowledge and lesson, and all of the memories.

 Those memories, those experiences, those happiness.. Sampai jumpa, my Summer Paradise.


Maroon 5- Daylight

Here I am waiting, I'll have to leave soon,
Why am I holding on?
We knew this day would come, we knew it all along,
How did it come so fast?

This is our last night but it's late,
And I'm trying not to sleep.
Cause I know, when I wake, I will have to slip away..

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go,
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close.
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own,
But tonight I need to hold you so close..

Here I am staring at your perfection in my arms,
So beautiful..
The sky is getting bright, the stars are burning out..
Somebody slow it down..

This is way too hard, cause I know,
When the sun comes up, I will leave..
This is my last glance that will soon be memory..

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go,
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close.
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own,
But tonight I need to hold you so close..

I never wanted to stop,
Because I don't wanna start all over,
Start all over..

I was afraid of the dark,
But now it's all that I want,
All that I want,
All that I want..

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go,
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close.
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own,
But tonight I need to hold you so close..

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go,
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close.
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own,
But tonight I need to hold you so close..













































































































































January 14, 2013

Just A Bit of Rest after A Crazy Week

So this is it!

I have packed up, ordered my hotel, plane ticket, cleaned my room, threw my unused clothes, sent my money back... everything. My one year life here has been compressed into two suitcases and 1 backpack. I called everyone in charge of every single thing I will leave behind like friends, job, postal code, bank.. I also had canceled my gym member, exchanged my currency, asking for a pick up once I arrived.. Everything has been completed. I spent the whole two weeks to deal with everything, and now I got flu. Awesome.

Sitting here, in my empty room, I stared at every corner of it, remembering the times when I first arrived from countryside. Then I remembered those days when I stayed at the countryside, having the whole house and the responsibility to clean it up once a month. And then I remembered the times when I went home from work and sat on the beach right in front of the house in the country area, contemplating a lot of things..

Looking back through the year before gave me a sudden sadness. Not because it was bad, but because.. I dunno. I just felt that leaving everything behind is the hardest thing to do. I have purged my five-year life into one big suitcase last year, and now I will do it again. I have trained to do it, but it was still sad when you had to clean up and see your room empty.

I have learnt so many things. My physique, my mind, and my emotional condition have changed. I must admit that this whole year gave me way more than what I expected, and I still regret some moments when I should have tried to seek more instead of standing and observing. Nonetheless, I earned so much. And because of that, I am both happy and sad to leave.

Will everything be okay? Will my plan come true? Will all my plan happen? Those questions linger inside as I sat and started to fix my pillow's position. I rested my head, and slowly fell asleep. I still need to do some stuff the next day.

Everything's gonna be alright. So smile! :)