That night I was sitting with my friend in a quiet place, talking about things and sharing our baggages. We discussed so many things and shared so many stuff. Though I hesitated, I decided to tell her my current problem.
"I feel bored with being in a relationship with anyone."
She looked at me. "What do you mean?"
"I mean, I'm bored. Ever since I went back here, no one can actually trigger the tingling sensation of dating and the feeling of excitement that I used to feel. They always come and go. Those bunch of people who craved for attention and asked to be treated like they are married to us already. I'm sick of it."
"Not because they are locals?"
"No way! Well, I never said I only date Caucasians. It's just that I like the way they handle relationship. Fair and square. Not treating someone more or less then the previous agreement. We deal with our problems ourselves, we don't cling too much to each other, no nonsense "I love you" on a first date coz we mean it when we say it.. I'm tired of dating people who don't know what they are doing. I used to think that I'm weird for wishing for something different. But then I knew that my wish is just something normal."
I grabbed my bottle and drank a bit. "This evening, there are three people saying that they like me already. After at least 3 hours of online talking. THREE HOURS. ON. LINE. How the hell can they fall in love with me when they haven't actually met me already? Silly, right?"
In silence she lit her cigarette, then said, "well, that's the turning point. You dated too many people in what you call "immature relationship" already. It's called growing up. You start to crave for something more, something different. apparently you found the suitable type of romance you are looking for while you were there. Thus, when you return here and start encountering the same undesirable style of relationship here, you feel sick of it. It's just normal."
I nodded in silence. I agreed with her.
"Or maybe... You fall in love with the last person you dated before you leave."
Her statement shocked me deep. Am I? Am I actually in love with that person?
But I never think of us again ever since. It's like departing with friend. We walked, we hold hands, we enjoy a glass of wine or two, cuddled in slow jazz music.. But that's just about it. We never actually fall in love. That's the agreement. We don't fall in love.
Her words haunted my thoughts for days. Am I really in love? But I never feel jealous on insecure when we are apart. We have made an agreement the moment we met. We are friends in romantic terms. No strings, no bonds. Just two people with physical and emotional needs that can be fulfilled by the other.
We are still in touch up to now through emails. We talk about things and stuff. We even share our "failed" dates after my departures. And no jealousy there.
Last evening I met my friend again. We talked about different things, as always. Then I just said it.
"I think.. I fell in love with the way we used to be."
"What do you mean?"
"I mean, I never actually think about that person. I was just in love with the way we date. A grown-up and serious type of dating. Not just fling around, flirt around, to chase or be chased, to say love when you don't really mean it, know nothing about how to date yet still trying to do it. I really am sick with that. And apparently I was lucky enough to meet someone who shares the same idea of dating. And even luckier, we dated. Maybe that's why. But it's not that person that I want. It's the relationship I used to know that I crave again."
"Okay.. So you DO not fall in love with the person. But you do know that culturally, you will not find that kind of person here that easily right? Compromising with the current style can be frustrating, but it's never wrong. If you really need to be in relationship, that is. Yet it's never wrong to stop fooling around as well."
I drank my water, then I smiled. "I have had more that enough. It's my time to rest myself from juggling with people's heart. With my heart. But at least now I know, the problem is not because of me craving for the type of dating. It's just that I finally know the reason why I lost interest in relationship. It's kind of relieving."
"Well, at least you sound like an old man now." She giggled.
"Oh shut up! Like you don't feel the same anyway!"
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nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]