Peut-ĂȘtre nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-ĂȘtre c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

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Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

February 24, 2013

Falling In Love (Not) With You.

That night I was sitting with my friend in a quiet place, talking about things and sharing our baggages. We discussed so many things and shared so many stuff. Though I hesitated, I decided to tell her my current problem.

"I feel bored with being in a relationship with anyone."

She looked at me. "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm bored. Ever since I went back here, no one can actually trigger the tingling sensation of dating and the feeling of excitement that I used to feel. They always come and go. Those bunch of people who craved for attention and asked to be treated like they are married to us already. I'm sick of it."

"Not because they are locals?"

"No way! Well, I never said I only date Caucasians. It's just that I like the way they handle relationship. Fair and square. Not treating someone more or less then the previous agreement. We deal with our problems ourselves, we don't cling too much to each other, no nonsense "I love you" on a first date coz we mean it when we say it.. I'm tired of dating people who don't know what they are doing. I used to think that I'm weird for wishing for something different. But then I knew that my wish is just something normal."

I grabbed my bottle and drank a bit. "This evening, there are three people saying that they like me already. After at least 3 hours of online talking. THREE HOURS. ON. LINE. How the hell can they fall in love with me when they haven't actually met me already? Silly, right?"

In silence she lit her cigarette, then said, "well, that's the turning point. You dated too many people in what you call "immature relationship" already. It's called growing up. You start to crave for something more, something different. apparently you found the suitable type of romance you are looking for while you were there. Thus, when you return here and start encountering the same undesirable style of relationship here, you feel sick of it. It's just normal."

I nodded in silence. I agreed with her.

"Or maybe... You fall in love with the last person you dated before you leave."

Her statement shocked me deep. Am I? Am I actually in love with that person?

But I never think of us again ever since. It's like departing with friend. We walked, we hold hands, we enjoy a glass of wine or two, cuddled in slow jazz music.. But that's just about it. We never actually fall in love. That's the agreement. We don't fall in love.

Do we?

Her words haunted my thoughts for days. Am I really in love? But I never feel jealous on insecure when we are apart. We have made an agreement the moment we met. We are friends in romantic terms. No strings, no bonds. Just two people with physical and emotional needs that can be fulfilled by the other.

We are still in touch up to now through emails. We talk about things and stuff. We even share our "failed" dates after my departures. And no jealousy there.

***

Last evening I met my friend again. We talked about different things, as always. Then I just said it.

"I think.. I fell in love with the way we used to be."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I never actually think about that person. I was just in love with the way we date. A grown-up and serious type of dating. Not just fling around, flirt around, to chase or be chased, to say love when you don't really mean it, know nothing about how to date yet still trying to do it. I really am sick with that. And apparently I was lucky enough to meet someone who shares the same idea of dating. And even luckier, we dated. Maybe that's why. But it's not that person that I want. It's the relationship I used to know that I crave again."

"Okay.. So you DO not fall in love with the person. But you do know that culturally, you will not find that kind of person here that easily right? Compromising with the current style can be frustrating, but it's never wrong. If you really need to be in relationship, that is. Yet it's never wrong to stop fooling around as well."

I drank my water, then I smiled. "I have had more that enough. It's my time to rest myself from juggling with people's heart. With my heart. But at least now I know, the problem is not because of me craving for the type of dating. It's just that I finally know the reason why I lost interest in relationship. It's kind of relieving."

"Well, at least you sound like an old man now." She giggled.

"Oh shut up! Like you don't feel the same anyway!"

February 07, 2013

A Fading Heartbeat.

I woke up this morning with emptiness. The air was cold and humid. My body reacted pretty "well"; I coughed several times trying to spit out some mucus out.

I stretched up a bit then looked around. An empty room, all white. Just a lil brown cupboard and light blue desk by the brown door. I walked and opened the door, letting some different more colors come into the picture. I stared at those different colors and things called scenery quietly as I recollected my pieces of consciousness, trying to remember things I must do today. Then you came across my mind. But then you're went away, and honestly, It left me confused.

We spent beautiful times back in Perth. We enjoyed the same Jazz music, laughed at the same sarcastic jokes. You have a gorgeous grey eyes, and you said my brown ones are also beautiful. I never stop complimenting how beautiful and cute you were, and you also couldn't stop craving for mine. We ate dinner together, I joined you shopping, you showed me different parts of the city.. You told me your dreams, and I showed you mine. We had laid our cards on the table, letting the other to see what's in us. And.. we promised that someday, we will meet again.

The memory was beautiful and I thought I was in love. I kept thinking about it, you and the feelings that grew strong as I left.

But why is it fading now? Like a beautiful red rose whose color slowly turned pale. An ugly corpse of a flower with some signs of fading and disintegrating in some parts. Like a falling petals of a dying rose, my feelings on you slowly fading away every day we stop seeing each other, crumbling away into dust. We tried talking and sharing our life through electronic mails, but we both slowly wrote less and less in every replies. I couldn't feel the urge to miss you any longer, and you also had slowly went away with your life. We tried desperately to keep the bond, to treasure it.. But as time goes by, I couldn't find the value of our memories any longer.

You sent me email the other day, telling me about your life and how you got upset when you had a date that didn't really go out that well the other night. And I felt nothing. No jealousy. No anger. No fear of losing. Instead I also shared some stories of how disappointed I was by people's attitude here in dating.

I didn't know how to react. Should I be upset? Or happy? Does it make me a bad guy? Or is it a good thing? I felt.. Nothing.

***

I took a deep breath while preparing myself for the day. I slowly watched you and the memories of you withered away in my sea of soul. I couldn't help it.

It is.. dead.


February 03, 2013

The Arcana - 0. The Fool

"The moment man devoured The Fruit of Knowledge, he sealed his fate. Entrusting his future to the cards, man clings to the dim hope. Yes, the Arcana is the means by which all is revealed."

The Fool

Dancing in happiness, waltzing in ignorance. He who knew no fear for he had no knowledge of one cruising through the road of uncertainty. The man sang, danced, celebrated his purposeless journey with joy and happiness with his faithful dog behind him.

He is by no means a simply fool. He just did not know yet. He was ready for everything, because he did not know what he was meant to be ready for. He put his life in the hands of the Fate, leaving everything in the eyes of Destiny.

As he walked by in ignorance, he stepped through a narrow bridge, with only bottomless ravines on his left and right. He, however, did not see it. He kept walking and walking, singing and dancing, enjoying the ignorance. The dog that followed the man, however, was his warning, ready to bite the ignorance away should it be needed to happen.

The journey is a step away from all of our comfort. To choose the pilgrimage means to leave the comfortness and leeting your insecurities and alertness leads the way. It is to surrender to the spontanity and the odds of nature. To let go of the illusion of control means to be free. To live.

And thus, the man and his dog continued cruising into the path of uncertainty, ready to see, ready to learn everything that came on their way. He walked bravely, no fears or doubts. He wasn't afraid of losing since he had nothing to lose.

http://cdn.tinybuddha.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/11/Man-on-a-Journey.jpg