Peut-être nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-être c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

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Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

November 09, 2014

Di Ujung Petang Setelah Pilu

Di ujung petang setelah pilu aku menunggu.
Menungggu jawabmu atas akhir yang pasti.
Yang pastinya telah menyakiti kita. Menyakitiku.

Di ujung petang setelah pilu aku merindu.
Merindu keberanianmu tuk menjawab hati.
Hati yang kamu biarkan tertinggal di situ.

Di ujung petang setelah pilu aku kelu.
Kelu karena tak lagi tahu mestinya.
Mestinya semuanya tidak begitu.

Di ujung petang setelah pilu aku menipu.
Menipu rasaku dalam pura-pura.
Pura-pura merasa kalau masih ada rasa di situ.

Dan lalu..

Di ujung petang setelah pilu
Aku putuskan tuk berlalu.

September 16, 2014

Bapak.

April 1940 - April 2009.

Never had a chance to bond with you. I love you though. Always.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Bapak

Pak, aku kangen..
Sudah lama kita tak lagi berbincang dan bercanda.
Mungkin Njenengan sudah melanjutkan perjalanan.
Semoga Bapak ndak pernah bosan.

Pak, aku takut..
Bapak ndak marah sama aku kan?
Prestasiku sudah bisa bikin bangga Bapak kan?
Aku yang sekarang sudah bisa jadi penerus Bapak kan?

Pak, aku bingung..
Belum sempat kita berbincang banyak antar pria.
Belum cukup aku menghabiskan waktu berdua
Belum sempat Bapak lihat aku wisuda.

Pak, aku salah.
Bapak ndak sedih kan sama aku?
Aku sudah bikin malu, meskipun tak ada yang tahu.
Bapak, apa pilihanku ini dapat restu?

Pak, aku butuh..
Ga ada yang bisa ditanyai lagi.
Ga ada yang ditunggu tiap siang lagi.
Ga ada yang bisa diajak diskusi lagi.

Pak..
Aku pengen denger suara Bapak lagi.
Aku pengen meluk Bapak lagi.
Aku pengen ngobrol lagi, dinasehati lagi.

Aku kangen, Pak.
Aku kangen.

July 20, 2014

Passing the quarter century.

It's 3.30 am and I can't sleep.

Many have happened. Many more will happen after. Enemies are made, friendships are forged, hearts are broken... That's how aging is right?

It's quarter plus one and I can't sleep.

Successfully passing a quarter of century. Unsuccessfully making myself happy doing it. People my age, they had settled down. They figured out what to do. While I'm here, busy being lost in my own thoughts of the world. Nevertheless, I am happy. Am I?

It's another year passed and I can't sleep.

I am happy I can make it this far, yet I'm also anxious and disappointed. What have I done so far? Have I changed the world? Have I managed to create a better place for everyone? Or Have I been slowly dragged into the leash and cage everybody else's wearing?

It's around 3 and a half hours now.

A friend told me that we must trade innocence for experience, age for maturity. Some failed to gain profit from the trading, and some succeeded. Am I failed? Am I succeeded? Am I on the right track? Or Am I on the wrong lane?

It's 26 years old now.

Maybe I'm just nervous.

July 18, 2014

The Arcana - XIII. Death

"The moment man devoured The Fruit of Knowledge, he sealed his fate. Entrusting his future to the cards, man clings to the dim hope. Yes, the Arcana is the means by which all is revealed."

Death

And he stood there, seemingly fearless. His body was slowly engulfed by shining flame. His eyes looked at the emptiness of the sky, his wings and feathers slowly burned as well.

Nevertheless, he stood still with no weakened resolve. The fire slowly burned away his body, only the silhouette beneath the flame could be seen.

Knowing that this is his end, he stood silently as his own flame burned him. He let the flame ate away all of his sorrow, all his pain, all of his attachments. The inevitable cycle of Death and Rebirth will be his savior, putting aside the painful journey into it.

As the flame slowly embrace his neck, he looked up to the sky. He cried but either for joy of being rebirth, or pain for dying. He cried for no apparent reason. He had nothing left to lose, for he had lost everything. He had nothing left to hold, since he had nothing left to hold. He only had his path, waiting for him.

"From the total surrender, the Hanged Man, I shall born anew.. with the painful Death."

When we enjoy the glory of living, we shall not forget the glory of dying. Life and Death are always together, for they are inseparable. To live means to die someday, and to die does not mean to stop. Death is not a sunset, or an end. It is a dawn, a new beginning. It is not an eternal sleep. It is the moment of waking up, and be free.

 And thus, the Phoenix died, returning to ash. And from the dust of grey, a pair of same blue eyes, albeit small and innocent, raised up. He is born anew. He is ready for the next cycle.


http://www.t-nation.com/img/photos/07-205-feature/image003.jpg

July 17, 2014

It Can Get A Little Bit Lonely Here.

I know we must not think that being together in a relationship will solve everything. There are many proofs of things happen the other way around. There are sayings everywhere to let you find and get your happiness first coz love can always catch up. There are pain from the past that keeps reminding me about how I should not carelessly fall into it again.

Yet it can get a little bit lonely here.

I regretted those moments when I spend my time fooling around. I almost got married. I fell in love so hard. I put my hopes too high. I loved someone far far away once. I cheated. I got cheated with. I lied. I was deceived. I dumped. I got dumped. That's love. That's life. That's the scars ornamenting this weak beating heart. It hurts until now.

Yet it can get a little bit lonely here.

I'm happy to see many of my friends manage to survive in relationship. Their maturity may be the reason. The ability to accept and to compromise. The power to believe and to be trusted. The continuous innocence and energy... I have none of those. Yet people still come. And it always ended up the same way. And I'm tired of this nonsense.

Yet it can get a little bit lonely here.

I worked. I studied. I ran away. I tried everything. I did everything. I lied to everyone. I lied to myself. I make people think they know me. I let them think I am happy. I know life will be easier when they know nothing. No one understands. No one will. But I don't know... I still don't want to be lonely.

Yet I still am a little lonely here.

May 28, 2014

Then and Now.

I had a nice talk with one of my exes through skype this afternoon after having a quick local TV station interview with my friends.

"So u've changed! U're mature and look manlier now. Guess the old cute u has gone eh?"

I laughed a bit. "Yeah, I ain't getting younger so yeah. U've changed too. I heard u're working now."

"Yeah, oil company: The fastest way to get urself lots of money before bailing out for entrepreneurship."

"Lolololol!! Yeah you got that right!"

"I remembered u used to sing me songs with ur guitar through phone late at night."

"Yeah, I called late 'coz that's the time when they gave u the cheapest rate."

"And I paid back all of ur songs with a live concert of our favorite band in Bandung right?"

"Haha yeah! You got me melted through the core with that! <3 p="">
"Yeah that was a great time..".

Then we both fell into silence as I slowly recalled things I had done to those who had filled this empty gap in my heart: I sang songs while calling, I sent funny pictures with "I love you" writings, I made poems, I texted randomly just to greet them hi.. Those were the best time of my life: being romantic the way I can be and being appreciated when doing so.

"So.. You're dating anyone now?"

"Huh? Me? No. I've been single since 2012. Why so?" That question actually caught me off-guard.

"Nothing. It's just that.. A guy like you.. You're so romantic, yet difficult."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. Anyway are you sure you're single now?"

"Yeah. I am. It's kinda hard to find a nice partner these days. As I gain age and experiences, the need to have fun has slowly replaced by the need to be settled.. And apparently I'm not lucky enough to find a perfect match to be settled with."

"How so?"

"I don't know. Most of them are younger, and even if the age difference is only around two to four years, I find it difficult to comprehend their mind. They don't appreciate little things anymore, distance and lack of attention are too difficult for them that they eventually cheat. Some even want non emotional sex! What a world nowadays.. :| ".

"I guess you hang out in a wrong neighborhood eh? Hahahahaha. :)) "

"Yeah hahaha."

"Maybe u're just overthinking it. Just do what you think it's necessary. You don't have to hold back or push it too far. Maybe the pond where u're searching has fish you don't like. All you need to do is to change the pond."

"Yeah, lololol. Fishing time!"

"Lol. Stupid. So, are you still searching?"

"Not that hard anymore. I sometimes think it could be my Karma for hurting many before and after you, or even hurting you too. Perhaps this is the way the universe wants me to feel my own meds."

"Don't be afraid to fall in love again. :)"

Then the connection went down. I had no idea what happened, but the last sentence struck me so hard.
I've been spending my time targeting myself for a perfect relationship, I'm being so protective towards myself, skeptical yet hopeful. I've hurt myself by giving too much or to little because I am too hard to myself.

Don't be afraid to fall in love again.

I smiled. Then typed.

"The connection's down I guess. Anyway, thanks. Gtg now." 

May 21, 2014

Yogyakarta after 8 months

It was a slow evening when I sat on a cafe next to a gas station, getting myself some signal to reconnect my lonely soul to the illusionary world of society on-line. I've been spending each weekend in this corner, next to a big window that let me see through the the gas station and the lights of the city far away.

I have spent eight months here in this city, trying to find my purpose of life. Ever since I returned back to my country, I have questioned the meaning of my existence. The one-year journey overseas gave me a sudden realization about my life and a question about how to fully enjoy living. This city gave me many lessons, mostly in a hard way. Nevertheless, I learnt a lot, though I still fall once in a while. This city, with its own way, taught me these things:

Everything has a risk. Nothing is risk-free. Every single choice you make today will affect your future. Bad choices, good choices.. You'll never know until it's too late. Yet there's nothing you can do but to accept the fact that you are fully responsible for your choice and to be ready to bear the consequences, good or bad. Be responsible to every single choice you make.

It Takes A Lot More To Love. Many other feelings can be confused for love: pity, admiration, lust, comfort.. I fell so many times, and got bruises here and there. It made me really hard to fall in love again, yet it taught me not to put my heart on my sleeves,

You Can Always Be Happy Alone. So people think they must find their soulmate to be happy. Some think that love is the answer. Some believe two is better than one. Honestly? it's not always that way. Many suffer when they are together, many unhappy relationships are built on a base of the necessity to avoid being alone. You can always be happy even if you're alone sitting on a beach, enjoying the smooth wave cuddling your toes. People will pity you, they always do. It's what you truly feel that is important: if you are content with being alone, then be alone.

You are not completely in charge in everything. Things will go wrong, plans will fail, hopes and dreams will go unfulfilled, appointment will get canceled, promises will be betrayed.. Yet you mustn't give up. Try and try, try and push yourself.

Running Will Not Solve Anything. Running away was one of the reasons I came here. And as what my friend had said, "moving away from problems won't solve it. It will stay there as a problem, or worse, it will follow you anywhere you go." I came to realize that I've been running away all along. I ran from my parents to study at college, I ran to Oz from my own country, then I ran here. The problems, now accumulated, did not disappear; it instead followed me here, and I am left with no choice but to face it. It won't be easy to address your fear and your problems, since we are naturally designed to avoid danger, yet sometimes instead of avoiding a predator for the rest of your life, maybe you should instead face it and conquer it. The risk is big, of course, but the reward, if you win, is also big.

This city where I used to plan to stay till next July changed my life. I may have stuck longer here, trying to reach my dream slowly. Yet, I won't stuck here without getting anything. And I do get something; I got plenty even.

Thank you Yogyakarta. Don't stop teaching me to grow up. I will have to stay longer, so be gentle kay?



March 24, 2014

Selfish

Are we selfish? Are we too self-fulfilling when we're scared of losing someone we love?

Is it because we will not be able to meet that person again? Or if we still can, then is it because we know deep down inside we will never have what we'd usually had? The moment we turn to strangers again, we will slowly lose the connection, physically.. then emotionally.. then all that is left will be memories. Is it what we are afraid of?

Then what it means to have someone in our life? Is that person will only be our property of happiness? Is the presence necessary for our happiness? And if so, then aren't we a bit selfish?

Yes, selfish. We want a person to be with us because we want to be happy. Is he or she happy? Have considered what he or she felt? Have we tried to make them happy too? Or are we too busy to make ourselves happy?

Then.. Love is selfish, no? Or it isn't? Then tell me why I haven't found such selfless love, when there are so many who said that it does exist. Then show me how it looks like, since there are many who believes so.

Am I too much in demanding for a selfless love? Am I too bizarre to question the existence of an altruistic affection? Is it too hard to try to give and to get an unconditional happiness?

Or am I just being too selfish to know?

February 17, 2014

A Nostalgic Pain

"It's hard when you have a different standard in something and you try to measure it together, especially when neither of you couldn't readjust the standard. No matter how hard you try, the result of the equation is just going to be different: Too little for me, too much for you. All of the equations were wrong from the beginning. I wasn't supposed to let us drift too far. Yet I selfishly did. I needed a friend. I needed you.

That's why I wanted to keep you around, but I realized it wouldn't work anyway.

You were happy, weren't you? You said that you were. But I wasn't. And it violated our agreement before: to be mutually happy. I WAS somewhat glad. Knowing your fear made me realize that you had the same feeling. Yet, it wasn't enough though. For me at least. I was glad, yet unhappy.

I was going to keep you around, but maybe because of that, I decided not to.

Maybe you didn't need me the way I did. Or maybe I didn't need you that much. Or maybe the fact that you refused to try a little bit harder finally put off my hope. Maybe the distance we are going to have made you afraid. Maybe the status we hadn't have made you scared. Maybe my demand was too much. Maybe what you had given wasn't just enough. Maybe I'm just making excuses.

I still wanted to keep you around, but perhaps we weren't supposed to be around together. Perhaps..

Later that night, I sat alone eating your cake. The sky was dark and cloudy. It was dark and maybe a bit eerie, yet I felt content by the pain I recently felt. The pain.. It is somewhat nostalgic. It hurts, but it makes you know that you're still alive.

So thank you for making me realize that I'm still alive. Godspeed."

January 29, 2014

Bucket list.

Everybody has a criteria in finding their plus one. It's an invisible (or visible if you care to literary write it) set of "prerequisites" of what your future and ideal partner will, must, or should have. From the physical things such as how he/she looks like, the job, the height/weight, to those that is more abstract like the personality, behavior, how he/she respond to your jokes, even... We always have those check lists that can pop out at anytime and is ready to be used to measure how legible he/she to be your partner.

Sometimes you can just skim through all of the list of people you can get and still can not find the perfect one that can make you tick the whole little boxes in your list. Sometimes you decide to do it the passive way: not searching for one but fiercely observe and judge when a new potential one steps in. Sometimes after a long and tiring piles of "rejected" candidates, you decide to lower your standard a bit, letting those who can fill at least most of the boxes as your plus one. Then as the time goes by and the loneliness goes strong, the standard goes lower and lower 'till you realize that you are searching for practically ANYONE and got either disappointed by the not-so-mr/ms-right or by the fact that no one is actually standing on the line any longer.

The thing is, you don't really need a list. From that bucketful of wishes and dreams of how your god and goddess will look like, pick one of the most important one, the one that you will never tolerate if he/she doesn't have it in them when you want them to be the one. Then the rest of the list shall be those you can either compensate or discuss with him/her once you decide to take things more seriously.

Relationship is not just about two people so perfectly match meet and effortlessly unite. It's about trying to mix and match both of your perspectives and accepting or discussing what is different for a greater good. It's not about slowly lowering your standard and being those people who will let anyone in, or becoming those people that are drowned in their loneliness as their pride pull them in. It's about deciding what's important and accepting what's different.


January 26, 2014

Il Pleuvait Toujours - It was Raining All Day

Hey! Been busy with my French classes and my problems of life. Anyway, this is one of my task in my French class - Slam. Slam itself is a form of poetry in French, when you read your extraordinarily long and rhymed poem like a story telling with a piece of music to accompany. One of the famous Slammeurs (Slammers) in France is Grand Corps Malade.

This piece of Slam is recited with Eyes On Me - Piano Version as the background music (placed under the Slam).

Check out my performance also below! I didn't speak clearly tho. :(

So here you go!

Il Pleuvait Toujours

Il pleuvait quand je t’ai rencontré dans un café au coin de la rue.
J’ai attendu ma tasse de café quand je t’ai vu.
Tes cheveux noirs comme le ciel de la nuit avec tes yeux sont les étoiles,
Et quand tu as souri, J’ai été stupéfait plusieurs fois.
Il pleuvait quand j’ai decidé de visiter chaque mois, chaque semaine, chaque jour..
Après mon travail, j’ai visité le café, juste attende ma tasse comme un fou.

J’étais noyé très profond dans ta beauté, je ne pouvais pas revenir.
Mais, peut-être j’ai déjà decidé: je ne voulais pas revenir.

Il pleuvait quand j’ai visité, environ dix-sept ou dix-huit heures.
Je ne pouvais pas supporter car j’ai eu le bonheur et la peur.
J’ai essayé de rever, profiter mon imagination.
Mais j’ai juste regardé, je n’ai fait aucune action.
Il pleuvait quand je t’ai parlé, mais ce n’était pas une bonne décision.
Étant donné ta voix, mon illusion s’est améliorée, mon cœur était en satisfaction.

J’étais noyé très profond dans ta beauté, je ne pouvais pas revenir.
Mais, peut-être j’ai déjà decidé: je ne voulais pas revenir.

Il pleuvait quand je t’ai aimé.. Mais pourquoi je me sens peur?
J’ai été dans le silence, alors j’ai enterré mon sentiment dans mon cœur.
Mais, quand tu m’a souri et dit que tu me partirais,
Je voulais tenir ta main et dire, “Attends! Attends-moi, s’îl te plaît!”
Il pleuvait quand tu m’as laissé, avec le café et la douleur,
Mon cœur était blessé, je ne pouvais pas sentir le bonheur.

J’étais noyé très profond dans ta beauté, je ne pouvais pas revenir.
Mais, peut-être j’ai déjà decidé: je ne voulais pas revenir.

À présent, Il pleut quand j’attends ton retour, je vais attendre avec le sourire.
Je vais attendre toujours, même si je sais que tu ne pourrai jamais revenir.

Et il pleut toujours quand je pense à toi,
Juste un café et une solitude avec moi.
Si je t’attends fidélement ici,

Vas-tu attendre avec moi, aussi?