Peut-ĂȘtre nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-ĂȘtre c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

The Owner's Bio

My photo
Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

May 28, 2014

Then and Now.

I had a nice talk with one of my exes through skype this afternoon after having a quick local TV station interview with my friends.

"So u've changed! U're mature and look manlier now. Guess the old cute u has gone eh?"

I laughed a bit. "Yeah, I ain't getting younger so yeah. U've changed too. I heard u're working now."

"Yeah, oil company: The fastest way to get urself lots of money before bailing out for entrepreneurship."

"Lolololol!! Yeah you got that right!"

"I remembered u used to sing me songs with ur guitar through phone late at night."

"Yeah, I called late 'coz that's the time when they gave u the cheapest rate."

"And I paid back all of ur songs with a live concert of our favorite band in Bandung right?"

"Haha yeah! You got me melted through the core with that! <3 p="">
"Yeah that was a great time..".

Then we both fell into silence as I slowly recalled things I had done to those who had filled this empty gap in my heart: I sang songs while calling, I sent funny pictures with "I love you" writings, I made poems, I texted randomly just to greet them hi.. Those were the best time of my life: being romantic the way I can be and being appreciated when doing so.

"So.. You're dating anyone now?"

"Huh? Me? No. I've been single since 2012. Why so?" That question actually caught me off-guard.

"Nothing. It's just that.. A guy like you.. You're so romantic, yet difficult."

"Huh?"

"Nevermind. Anyway are you sure you're single now?"

"Yeah. I am. It's kinda hard to find a nice partner these days. As I gain age and experiences, the need to have fun has slowly replaced by the need to be settled.. And apparently I'm not lucky enough to find a perfect match to be settled with."

"How so?"

"I don't know. Most of them are younger, and even if the age difference is only around two to four years, I find it difficult to comprehend their mind. They don't appreciate little things anymore, distance and lack of attention are too difficult for them that they eventually cheat. Some even want non emotional sex! What a world nowadays.. :| ".

"I guess you hang out in a wrong neighborhood eh? Hahahahaha. :)) "

"Yeah hahaha."

"Maybe u're just overthinking it. Just do what you think it's necessary. You don't have to hold back or push it too far. Maybe the pond where u're searching has fish you don't like. All you need to do is to change the pond."

"Yeah, lololol. Fishing time!"

"Lol. Stupid. So, are you still searching?"

"Not that hard anymore. I sometimes think it could be my Karma for hurting many before and after you, or even hurting you too. Perhaps this is the way the universe wants me to feel my own meds."

"Don't be afraid to fall in love again. :)"

Then the connection went down. I had no idea what happened, but the last sentence struck me so hard.
I've been spending my time targeting myself for a perfect relationship, I'm being so protective towards myself, skeptical yet hopeful. I've hurt myself by giving too much or to little because I am too hard to myself.

Don't be afraid to fall in love again.

I smiled. Then typed.

"The connection's down I guess. Anyway, thanks. Gtg now." 

May 21, 2014

Yogyakarta after 8 months

It was a slow evening when I sat on a cafe next to a gas station, getting myself some signal to reconnect my lonely soul to the illusionary world of society on-line. I've been spending each weekend in this corner, next to a big window that let me see through the the gas station and the lights of the city far away.

I have spent eight months here in this city, trying to find my purpose of life. Ever since I returned back to my country, I have questioned the meaning of my existence. The one-year journey overseas gave me a sudden realization about my life and a question about how to fully enjoy living. This city gave me many lessons, mostly in a hard way. Nevertheless, I learnt a lot, though I still fall once in a while. This city, with its own way, taught me these things:

Everything has a risk. Nothing is risk-free. Every single choice you make today will affect your future. Bad choices, good choices.. You'll never know until it's too late. Yet there's nothing you can do but to accept the fact that you are fully responsible for your choice and to be ready to bear the consequences, good or bad. Be responsible to every single choice you make.

It Takes A Lot More To Love. Many other feelings can be confused for love: pity, admiration, lust, comfort.. I fell so many times, and got bruises here and there. It made me really hard to fall in love again, yet it taught me not to put my heart on my sleeves,

You Can Always Be Happy Alone. So people think they must find their soulmate to be happy. Some think that love is the answer. Some believe two is better than one. Honestly? it's not always that way. Many suffer when they are together, many unhappy relationships are built on a base of the necessity to avoid being alone. You can always be happy even if you're alone sitting on a beach, enjoying the smooth wave cuddling your toes. People will pity you, they always do. It's what you truly feel that is important: if you are content with being alone, then be alone.

You are not completely in charge in everything. Things will go wrong, plans will fail, hopes and dreams will go unfulfilled, appointment will get canceled, promises will be betrayed.. Yet you mustn't give up. Try and try, try and push yourself.

Running Will Not Solve Anything. Running away was one of the reasons I came here. And as what my friend had said, "moving away from problems won't solve it. It will stay there as a problem, or worse, it will follow you anywhere you go." I came to realize that I've been running away all along. I ran from my parents to study at college, I ran to Oz from my own country, then I ran here. The problems, now accumulated, did not disappear; it instead followed me here, and I am left with no choice but to face it. It won't be easy to address your fear and your problems, since we are naturally designed to avoid danger, yet sometimes instead of avoiding a predator for the rest of your life, maybe you should instead face it and conquer it. The risk is big, of course, but the reward, if you win, is also big.

This city where I used to plan to stay till next July changed my life. I may have stuck longer here, trying to reach my dream slowly. Yet, I won't stuck here without getting anything. And I do get something; I got plenty even.

Thank you Yogyakarta. Don't stop teaching me to grow up. I will have to stay longer, so be gentle kay?