Peut-être nous n'avons pas besoin d'amour. Peut-être c'est une aide que nous avons vraiment besoin (Maybe we don't need love after all. Maybe help it what we really need)

The Owner's Bio

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Seminyak, Bali, Indonesia
Life is merely a journey to the grave, but to make the journey become a beautiful parade or a dark mourning ceremony is all in your hand.

About The Blog

nothing special. just a compilation of my feelings. feel free to read or use if it is not my own work (like song lyrics). stealing my own work will not give you any lawsuit, but please respect the owner by not taking any part of the content that is made by me without my acknowledgment and without putting my name on it. :]

July 28, 2015

Ma Raison d'être

Struggling with depression period in my bipolarity triggers me with this question --> What is our raison d'être, our reason to exist? Why are we here? Everything seems to have function, but what about us? What is our function? Our purpose?

The movie, Lucy, told me many things about the possible reason for mankind, no, I mean, a human, to live. Every individual has a reason to live, and that reason is to be immortal. In order to achieve immortality, each individual chooses different path. The first popular path was to maintain its body function as long as possible, which is also the simplest concept of Immortality. Of course everything will reach entropy, deterioration. Our body will slowly cease to exist. Our brain, which is a merely flesh will decompose. And we'll be gone... Well, unless if some people do drastic measures such as converting themselves into a diamond, or letting their body be used for science.. Maybe that's another form of achieving immortality - my mind will cease to function but my body will still be there, somewhere.

While the others, knowing that they will not manage to survive to carry on their existence, leave a legacy. Information. Something to pass on. In the basic sense, living creatures procreate to pass on the information to the next generation, in order to achieve immortality. Their physical body will no longer be there, but the information passed on will be immortalized and remembered till nothing can remember it anymore. From Shakespeare to Kurt Cobain, from dinosaurs to our regular next-door dog, all will leave legacy that will stay as long as they are still cherished.

The movie Clash of The Titans shows us how Gods and Goddesses rely on the beliefs of mankind to survive. Once no one worship or believe in them, they will slowly weakened and disappeared. This concept of Immortality maybe the easiest way to describe how memory can preserve legacy. You are nothing once no one remembers you.

But what about our soul? People believe that body is a vessel of an unseen energy that has mind and memory, our mind and memories. We call it soul. Some religions believe that after our body cease to function, our soul will be taken back, collected, and then be put on a trial of what we had done in our life by a supreme being with different names in different beliefs. The result will then register us to either eternal bliss - heaven, or eternal pain - hell. Other religions believe that souls will undergo a cycle called reincarnation, like a plastic bottle changed into a toothbrush. But this time your soul is recycled into something else. The cycle will go on and on until one soul has achieved the enlightenment - a sort of degree of understanding and releasing from any attachments. This form of belief is probably another way to preserve our immortality. Whether it is true or not, the notion that soul is indestructible by decay or death may be another way for mankind to believe that after the flesh dies, the soul remains - immortality. Surely it is better than to accept the other option, which is to disappear back into atoms when we die.

So, is that it? Our raison d'être is to simply stay as long as we can in the universe? In the form of memory or in physical? In soul or in atoms? What's your raison d'être then?

It's funny how Jason Mraz - I Won't Give Up triggered this writing.

Oh anyway, happy birthday to me. 7 days late. And with contemplation of existence. Man have I grown into a boring man.

July 18, 2015

Animonster, Spirited Away, and The Memories

It's been almost a year since my childhood anime magazine, Animonster, stopped publishing a new issue. The decision to went hiatus was unknown to me, yet the story brought me back to my memory of my childhood.

I was in my seventh grade when I first bought the magazine. At first I was so into drawing, comics, and cartoon, and just like that, I found that magazine sitting at the corner of the local bookstore by the playstation store in my local town. That was also the first time I fell in love with a magazine.

I kept buying, and later subscribing, the issues till my late 12th grade when our family was struck by financial hardships that didn't allow me to spend money on trivial things, including magazine subscription. I was sad, but I moved on.

I remembered reading the magazine and enjoying the illustration of many talented animators, mangaka, and anime studios. It brought my imagination high and wide, bringing me out of my small and hot room into a realm unknown.

I became what they usually called "otaku". I became obsessed by Japan and their culture. I even learned some of the language even if in the end I instead speak English and French. I was fascinated by Japanese culture and the wide variety of their gods and stories, their traditional outfit, their beautiful places... the list went on and on.

I also found my favorite illustrator there. His name was Li Julian. I liked his style of drawing and how beautiful he could create stories that went so well with his drawing. In the end we got to know each other many years after I stopped buying the magazine and became friends who shared stories and thoughts.

And even after those days, I still occasionally read the magazine at the bookstore after I graduated high school and moved to a bigger city to study at the Uni, until one day they stopped publishing.

It's funny how a mere magazine can bring a huge impact after these years. I don't know why I'm writing this here. Maybe because I am currently watching Spirited Away, a wonderful anime by Studio Ghibli whose reviews I read from the magazine long ago. Maybe because they plan to publish the new edition of Animonster after almost one year of hiatus.

Or maybe because I just miss the old days.

Tribute to you:

July 12, 2015

The Knife, The Dream, and The Silent Night

This will only be a very short writing coz I see no need to write more than few sentences just to show how much I have been through to this. I just need to write, to subdue those who are currently yelling in my ears, asking me to kill myself.

In this life where people with emotional impair are considered as a mere nuisance, I have surprised myself how I can managed not to slit myself and die. And what made me stop was the fact that I wanted to show everyone that I survived.

This is me, having a bipolar disorder with a tendency of schizophrenic symptoms, with no medications, no friends to understand, and no one that can tell unless I tell them that, I try to survive. This is me, trying to focus typing this message while there are voices screaming, demanding me to die. This is me, and I swear I will survive.

July 07, 2015


Hey Ashley..

How are you? Are you still there?

I miss you.

It's been almost 2 years since the last time we met. Although I know we both agree that this was for the best, now I begin to miss you again.

My life here has been pretty great. I lost my balance several times without you patting my back and reminding me to stay focus. Sometimes I feel a bit lonelier without you laying next to me, telling me stories about dreams and ambitions, then took me with your grey sword-feathered wings above the sky, soaring the galaxy of our cosmos.

You remembered when we first met? I drew you when you were so young. You were fragile and weak, and I can only keep you away from the world that may harm you. And then you grew strong, so strong that now it is you who protects me with your metal wings. And you did. You always did.

I miss it when we talk every full moon. I miss it when you sit next to me, whispering the intuition within while I'm reading my cards. I miss it when you sit at the corner of the empty classroom I was in, observing me reading or drawing something to kill time until the sun set. I miss it when we giggle together while I shared my silly love stories. And the time we sat together at the porch, enjoying raindrops by our feet? I miss it too. I miss them all with you.

I threw away our connection, and I'm sorry. I gave you up for the sake of sanity, yet I have turn insane instead. Losing you IS insanity itself. The world I'm living in seems so hard without you.

Hey Ashley..

Visit me in my dream this evening after I finished my office report, will you? I have some catching up to do.